Sweeney Todd Parody
by Supernatural Willy Wonka
Summary: This is a parody of the movie, Sweeney Todd. This is basically the movie but with insanity, please do not review too harshly this is my first ever parody and i am trying my best to make it original material and funny. Any and all reviews are welcome (:
1. Chapter 1

**Please do not review too harshly, this is my first parody and I am trying my best to make this funny.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Sweeney Todd and Company; they belong to Tim Burton and Warner Brother Pictures.**

 **Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter One: There's no place like London**

( _The camera zooms over to a depressing looking ship, this IS a Tim Burton movie, no color is allowed! The depressing ship continues to sail towards a bridge; a man with blond hair is looking eagerly over the edge of the ship at London_.)

Anthony: Wowzers! There's London, the happiest place on Earth full of happy people and hope! There's no place like London!

( _Sweeney Todd suddenly walks up to Anthony, when he hears his overly chipper voice_.)

Anthony: OMG! It's the immortal pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow!

Sweeney: Do I know you?

Anthony: You have no idea who I am, but I know who you are! You are Jack Sparrow, the greatest pirate to ever live!

Sweeney: Why is the rum gone-I mean my name is Todd, Sweeney Todd and I will have my revenge... MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anthony: O-kay, you are totally, 100% a man who is sane and not a psychopathic murder, oh look we've arrived in London! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Sweeney: All of your happiness is starting to annoy my inner core of angst; In order to prevent losing all of my sanity; I think I'll take a little trip into memory lane…

Anthony: Have fun Jack Sparrow, but be careful last time I went into memory lane a half man, half fish and an army of banana people attacked me! 

( _Anthony's words fade away into nothing as Sweeney remembers what life was like when he had a family. It is a beautiful summer morning, a much younger Sweeney Todd, Lucy and baby Johanna are in a market that seems to be selling flowers and only flowers. In a corner is Professor Snape, I mean Judge Turpin with his loyal sidekick, Peter Pettigrew I mean The Beadle. These two perverts watch Lucy with a fascination that makes them look like they have never seen a woman before. "I should totally arrest that woman's husband for no legit reason that will TOTALLY make that woman fall in love with me!" Judge Turpin says and snaps his fingers. Half of London's police force suddenly appears and drags a younger Sweeney Todd away from his beloved wife and daughter, "oh Judge Turpin you are so smart and so pretty!" The Beadle announces to the judge, "I know Beadle, I know" The Judge answers proudly._ )

Anthony: Helloooooo? Is anyone in there? Charlie it is really not nice to ignore other people.

( _Sweeney finally comes out of memory lane and glares at Anthony for interrupting his memory of the good ole' days_.)

Sweeney: My name is not Charlie, my name is not Jack Sparrow; my name is SWEENEY TODD, how hard is it to remember my name?  
Anthony: Sorry Charlie!  
( _Sweeney is about to strangle the life out of Anthony, but then he suddenly remembers where he used to live when he had a wife and a daughter._

Anthony: Wake up Charlie! We have so much to do together, like bake muffins and knit fluffy sweaters…

Sweeney: EW. Those activities have too much joy and happiness in them for a barber full of angst. Anyways I just remembered where I used to live; I should really check it out to make sure no crazy women have taken it over as some kind of meat pie shop.

( _Sweeney shudders at the idea of someone living in his old home, especially women who have issues with baking._ )

Anthony: You're leaving already? But… But I had SO much joy and happiness planned for us, will I ever see you again Jack Sparrow?

Sweeney: I AM NOT JACK SPARROW! If you really want to see me, come by Fleet Street for a 'shave'.

Anthony: Ooooooh, shave! I'll have to grow a beard!

( _While Anthony is talking to himself, about the reason that he'll have for visiting Sweeney, Sweeney sneaks away._ )

Sweeney: There's a hole in the world like a great, black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with… With… Mitt? Kit? Lick? Aw screw it, I'll figure it out later.

 **End of Chapter One**


	2. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Two

**VerucaBeyotch- THANK YOU (:! Your review really made my day! I am glad, very much glad that you are enjoying this weird parody! You do not need to worry, there is much more to come, for I cannot wait until I get to Epiphany and By the Sea.**

 **Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Two: The Worst Pies in London**

 **Disclaimer: Me. No. Own. Sweeney. Todd.**

( _Sweeney walks all night to where he used to live; on his way there he sees many interesting things like a boy with some sort of golden ticket and Santa._ )

Santa: HO HO HO! Have you been a good little boy this year?

Sweeney: I have been the best little boy! ( _Sweeney suddenly remembers that he has been very, very bad. Sweeney kicks Santa in the kneecaps._ )

Santa: No present for you!

( _Sweeney runs away from Santa, a few seconds later he arrives at where he used to live_.)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies? I'm sure everything is exactly the way that I've left it.

( _Sweeney enters the shop to find out that is some sort of meat pie shop that looks like it hasn't been cleaned in fifteen years, on a counter is Mrs. Lovett-who is half asleep._ )

Mrs. Lovett: Pies… Crippling debt that will one day destroy me… Meat pies….

Sweeney: O-kay… I believe I am done here…

( _Sweeney starts to back up slowly out of the shop, but Mrs. Lovett hears him and slides off the counter. She pops up a second later with a dusty looking meat pie in her hand._

Mrs. Lovett: OMG! A CUSTOMER! SIT! SIT!

Sweeney: I'm sorry I disturbed you; I'll just be on my way…

Mrs. Lovett: Nonsense! Sit down and have a nice juicy meat pie!

( _Mrs. Lovett forces Sweeney to sit in a chair, she then hands him the plate with a meat pie on it_.)

Sweeney: Really, there's no need to feed me!

Mrs. Lovett: See that's the thing, my parents never really taught me how to be an adult, they only taught me to feed other people if they enter my home and to stuff plastic bags inside of other plastic bags. Anyways, dig in!

( _Sweeney picks up the meat pie and stares at it, Mrs. Lovett stares at Sweeney with a huge smile on her face that Anthony would be proud of_.)

Sweeney: if I die, you're responsible for my funeral.

Mrs. Lovett: You won't die silly! Just look at my husband Albert, he's perfectly fine… Oh wait he's dead…

Sweeney: Was that supposed to convince me to eat whatever this is?

Mrs. Lovett: Stop questioning whatever I put in this, even I don't know what's inside this, and eat it!

Sweeney: Will you leave me alone to brood if I eat this?

Mrs. Lovett: Maybe… Sexy barber…

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: Eat it! Eat it! EAT IT! EAT IT!

Sweeney: Fine! Chanting always scares me into doing whatever the chanter wants.

Mrs. Lovett: I'll have to remember that for when we have sexy times….

( _Sweeney takes a bite of the pie, ignoring Mrs. Lovett's lustful staring at his pinstriped pants and instantly spits the pie out._ )

Sweeney: EW! What in God's name is this?!

Mrs. Lovett: I thought we already went over this, I don't know!

Sweeney: Are you telling me that there could be _anything_ in this pie?

Mrs. Lovett: Sure. I _think_ that one was made out of moths.

Sweeney: I am going to throw up forever.

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, wanna come with me into my back room and see what happens?

Sweeney: Who makes a pie out of moths?!

Mrs. Lovett: Shut up about the pie, I'm trying to flirt with you!

Sweeney: Moths! moTHS! I ATE MOTHS! ASDFGHJKLL!

Mrs. Lovett: Just shut up already and come with me.

( _Mrs. Lovett yanks Sweeney out of the chair and starts to drag him over to the back room_.)

Sweeney: Hey! I don't want you to take me to the room where you do the frick frack!

Mrs. Lovett: What? No, no sexy times don't come until later; I'm going to tell you a story!

Sweeney: YAY! Story time!

 **End of Chapter Two**


	3. Sweeney Todd Chapter Three

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Three- Poor Thing/ My Friends**

 **Please do not review too harshly this is my first parody and I am trying my best to make this funny and have original material.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Sweeney Todd; if I did I would be too busy playing with him to write.**

( _Mrs. Lovett leads Sweeney past a room full of creepy clown dolls and up the stairs to the room where Sweeney used to live_.)

Sweeney: I hope that Lucy is up there with Johanna!

Mrs. Lovett: You better prepare yourself for quite the surprise…

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: Nothing, nothing at all!

( _The two slowly enter the barber shop; the floor of the barber shop is covered in empty beer bottles and pentagrams_.)

Sweeney: What the frick frack, biofeedback, lumberjack happened here?!

Mrs. Lovett: I had some wild parties, and then I tried multiple times to summon Satan so I could sell my soul so you would love me. I failed though, and summoned a demonic goat named Charles.

( _A black goat that has large horns suddenly runs out from the corner of the room and gives a bone chilling screech._ )

Sweeney: AAAAAAA! Demon goat!

Mrs. Lovett: I told you, you don't need to worry about him; his days of destroying cities are over.

( _Mrs. Lovett starts to gently stroke Charles while Sweeney slowly backs out of the barbershop_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Who's a good boy? Who's a good demon goat? Hey, where do you think you're going?!

Sweeney: I'm going nowhere, nowhere at all! I am standing right here and patiently waiting for you to stop petting the demon goat.

Mrs. Lovett: I knew I could trust you.

( _Mrs. Lovett lets go of Charles, Charles gives yet another bone chilling screech and runs out of the barber shop. A few seconds later, Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett both hear the screams of terror from the people that are walking around outside as Charles attacks them_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Just ignore those screams of pain and terror, they'll be fine.

Sweeney: You know this how?

Mrs. Lovett: I know because, I was one of the people that Charles attacked!

Sweeney: May I leave now? You are starting to scare me and I would like to find my wife and daughter…

Mrs. Lovett: Don't bother, Lucy is dead and her daughter has been raised by the most perverted judge in all of London!

Sweeney: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Mrs. Lovett: it was quite sad, you see after this really cute guy named Bob Barker- I mean Benjamin Barker was taken away for absolutely nothing! It is a shame, he was sooooo beautiful, and I would have married him if that blonde twit hadn't taken him away before the rest of us got a chance to try and win his affection.

Sweeney: Jealous much? I mean, GET ON WITH THE STORY WOMAN!

Mrs. Lovett: Geez, I was getting there you just need to be patient.

Sweeney: I HAVE NO PATIENCE MY WIFE IS DEAD AND THERE IS A 62% CHANCE THAT MY DAUGHTER IS GETTING RAPED BY THE JUDGE RIGHT NOW!

Mrs. Lovett: SO it is you, Bob- Benjamin Barker.

Sweeney: No way man! Its Todd now, Sweeney Todd and I WILL have my revenge! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

( _Sweeney's maniacal laughter of vengeance is suddenly interrupted by himself, choking on air and starting to violently cough_.)

Mrs. Lovett: What have I gotten myself into?

Sweeney: *Cough* REVENGE! *cough* *cough* KILL! *Cough*

Mrs. Lovett: There, there love. Hey, I just remembered that under these floorboards are your razors!

Sweeney: OMG! This is better than my birthday and Christmas and pudding day at the prison all rolled into one!

Mrs. Lovett: I'll worry about your sanity later, here we are! One box of razors that I _could_ have sold when my crippling debt almost destroyed me, all those thirty times but instead I kept them out of LOVE for YOU!

Sweeney: So shiny!

Mrs. Lovett: Times is tough Mr. T!

Sweeney: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSS!

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T! See how quickly I've accepted your new name? Anyhow, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME RANT ABOUT HOW I DIDN'T SELL YOUR RAZORS EVEN THOUGH I COULD OF BECAUSE I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU?!

Sweeney: _These are my friends_.

Mrs. Lovett: I give up! Go ahead and sing in a very creepy manner to your razors, see if I care!

Sweeney: _My friends!_

Mrs. Lovett: LOVETT OUT!

 **End of Chapter Three my sweet children**


	4. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Four

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Four- Green Finch and Linnet Bird/ Johanna One**

 **Disclaimer: Me-a-no-a-own-a-Sweeney-Todd-a!**

( _Anthony is walking down the middle of a crowded street completely and utterly lost, it might be because his map is a Candyland board game._ )

Anthony: My map says that I was supposed to take a right at the candy cane forest!

( _Anthony suddenly runs into a bench and trips over it, his bag goes flying and hits a woman and her small child_.)

Anthony: Oh my gosh! I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, SORRY!

Random Woman: At least little Patrick is alright!

Small Child: My name isn't Patrick, its Charlie!

Random Woman: Sorry Patrick!

( _While the Random Woman and Small Child start to argue fiercely, Anthony decides to sneak away when he hears a high-pitched noise_.)

Anthony: I must find out whatever is making that sound! I just hope it's not a demonic goat named Charles, that's my worst fear!

( _Anthony slowly walks over to the building from where he hears the noise coming from, at the highest window is a pretty looking blonde who is petting a demonic goat named Charles_.)

Anthony: I just might be able to overcome my fear of demonic goats in order to meet that blonde woman.

( _The woman suddenly starts to sing in a very light, high-pitched voice a song about more bird metaphors than should be legal_.)

Anthony: I love her even more and I don't even know her name!

Johanna: If only someone would be willing to rescue me from the hands of my perverted father, oh look a boy whose name I don't even know is staring at me like he has fallen in love with me!

Anthony: Holy snap! The pretty woman is _looking_ at me! Maybe she's praying for me to rescue her from whatever is keeping her hostage!

( _A really messed up looking Beggar Woman suddenly sneaks up next to Anthony_.)

Beggar Woman: PINEAPPLE! PINEAPPLE! Pineapple for a really sad lady who has nothing except the clothes on her back?

Anthony: AAAAA! GET BACK! Wait… Pineapple?

Beggar Woman: Yes, PINEAPPLE! I am a poor beggar woman and I want some nice, yellow pineapple!

Anthony: Shouldn't you be begging for alms? I have eighteen cents with me that I would be willing to give for you.

Beggar Woman: I am a crazy, old beggar woman and I want PINEAPPLE!

Anthony: O-kay! O-kay! I don't have any pineapple on me, but I still have those eighteen cents, oh look! I'll also throw in this Lego minifigure of Darth Vader that I just found in my pocket.

Beggar Woman: I'll take the eighteen cents, but you can keep the minifigure, I already have one of Darth Vader. How about I tell you about that woman who you have fallen in love with?

Anthony: AW YES!

Beggar Woman: Well her name is Johanna and she is held captive by the most perverted judge in allllllllllllllllllll of London, Judge Turpin!

Anthony: Twenty L's! He must be REALLY perverted! Thank you for that, here is the eighteen cents that I promised you.

Beggar Woman: I am totally going to add this to my collection of money and colorful rocks!

( _The Beggar Woman happily skips away; Anthony sets his bag down on the bench and stares happily at Johanna_.)

Anthony: I feeeeeeeeel you Johanna… Wait what? This sounds really dirty, like I'm feeling Johanna up.

Johanna: OH MAH GOSH! The boy who loves me is SINGING a romantic song to me!

( _Johanna quickly opens her window and carefully listens to the beautiful words that are going to come out of the boy's mouth_.)

Anthony: Aw screw it; I have nothing else to sing. I FEEEEEEL YOU JOHANNNA!

Johanna: … Did he just say he would feel me? THAT'S SO ROMANTIC! Take me strange boy; take me for I am yours!

( _The door to The Judge's house suddenly opens; Judge Turpin sticks his head out from behind the door and glares at Anthony_.)

Judge Turpin: WHOOO MAH FIRST LINE! I mean, you there child! Will you come in for a moment?

Anthony: Give me ONE good reason, why I should enter your home!

Judge Turpin: I have chocolate pudding!

Anthony: AW YES! You sir, have convinced me to enter whatever horrors your house has!

( _Judge Turpin leads Anthony to his office that has the library of inappropriate books for anyone under the age of sixty. The Beadle crawls out from under The Judge's desk and hands Anthony a bowl of granola bars_.)

Anthony: What the hecky Becky? I WAS PROMISED CHOCOLATE PUDDING AND THIS IS NOT PUDDING!

Judge Turpin: Well, I lied. So… Are you like a sailor?

( _Anthony instantly forgets about the pudding as he remembers his sailing days upon the S.S. Mr. Krabs_.)

Anthony: You bet your creepy gold pants I'm a sailor! I have seen SO much like the mountains of Peru and the great pirate legend, Jack Sparrow!

Judge Turpin: I would kill two goats and a virgin to get my hands on Jack Sparrow's tan skin… I mean, I saw you gazing lustfully at my ward.

Anthony: Whoa… What? I never gazed lustfully at your ward; I only sang my questionable love to her.

Judge Turpin: Your actions have cut me deep. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO SING TO JOHANNA!

Anthony: There's no need to yell, if you really loved Johanna you would let her out every once and a while.

Judge Turpin: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY PARENTING METHODS! I AM THE BEST FATHER THAT THERE EVER WILL BE! I WATER JOHANNA TWICE A WEEK AND LET HER SIT IN THE SUNLIGHT ALL DAY!

Anthony: I think you have Johanna confused with a houseplant.

Judge Turpin: Oh s*censor*! Beadle, teach this man a lesson then take away the houseplant's needlepoint and stop watering Johanna!

( _The Beadle pops out of the bookshelf and gives The Judge his best sad look_.)

Beadle: Are you sure that you want to take away the plant's needlepoint? It has created a very nice picture of London burning to the ground.

Judge Turpin: I don't care if you let the plant continue its needlepoint or if you give it too- wait a gosh darn diddly second! How does a plant do needlepoint?

Beadle: This _is_ a parody, it's supposed to be full of randomness and break the laws of physics.

Judge Turpin: FINE. You sailor child, if you EVER walk by my incredibly awesome house again OR gaze lustfully at my ward, I shall… I shall… Um… I shall do something not good! Beadle take this sailor outside and teach him a lesson!

Beadle: Anything for you, my love.

Judge Turpin: SHHH! Do we want the readers to know that we have quite the gay thing going on between us?!

Beadle: No.

Judge Turpin: I'm glad we had this talk, now GO NOW, GO NOW AND LEAVE ME!

( _The Beadle drags Anthony outside and gives him the beating of his life with his fancy dancy retractable cane. To finish off his lesson, The Beadle throws Anthony's bag on top of him._ )

Anthony: That hurt… Wait a second! Those ass cravats filled my bag with CHOCOLATE PUDDING! AW YES! TONIGHT I EAT!

( _Anthony slowly limps away from The Judge's home, no one on the busy street notices the bloody man.)_

 **End of Chapter Four**


	5. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Five

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Five- Pirelli's Magical Elixir/ The Contest**

 **VerucaBeyotch- I am glad that I sent you down memory lane, watch out for the banana people though, they have a fierce bite! I have never seen Daredevil but I bet it's pretty cool. LOVE YA BACK.**

 **Random Note Thingy: Hello readers! I went back to chapter four and re-wrote it, so it would be better. Feel free to go back to that chapter to read the new version of it.**

 **Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SWEENEY TODD, SADLY!**

 **(** _The camera finally returns to our main characters, they have just entered a large market place. Mrs. Lovett looks thrilled while Sweeney has an expression of pure rage on his face_.)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, what do you think the consequence would be for killing everyone here?

Mrs. Lovett: You would be hung. Now where is he, he's here EVERY Thursday!

Sweeney: Who's here every Thursday, can I kill him?

Mrs. Lovett: Do I need to put you on a leash? YOU ARE KILLING NO ONE!

( _Mrs. Lovett suddenly realizes that the few market people that are around them are staring at the both of them in horror_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Come now love, we don't want to be late to his show.

( _Mrs. Lovett drags Sweeney over to a stage; a young boy is starting to bang a drum to announce the start of the show_.)

Toby: _Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please_?

Sweeney: You may ask for my attention, but you may not have it.

Toby: _Do you wake every morning in shame and despair, to discover your pillow is covered in hair_?

Mrs. Lovett: I do despise when that happens to me.

Sweeney: I _do_ wake up in shame and despair but not because, I've lost my hair. Mostly because my wife is dead and my daughter is being held hostage by The Judge, WHO IS STILL ALIVE!

( _Once more, the people around Sweeney stare at him and take a few large steps away from the barber_.)

Toby: _Well ladies and gentlemen; from now on you can waken with ease_. _You will never again have a worry or care, for I will show you a miracle, marvelous rare._

Sweeney: THANK GOD! Your mystery liquid will finally kill The Judge, rescue my daughter and make Mrs. Lovett stop staring lustfully at my pinstriped pants!

Mrs. Lovett: Nothing can make me stop staring lustfully at you.

Toby: _Gentlemen you are about to see something what rose from the dead…_

Sweeney: Do you mean Mrs. Lovett?

Mrs. Lovett: That's not nice!

Toby: _On the top of my head_!

Sweeney: You sir have lied to me, your magical hair growth formula won't help me kill The Judge! MISLEADING ADVERTISMENT!

( _Toby rips off his hat to show off his blond hair, the crowd gasps in awe_.)

Mrs. Lovett: OH MY GOD, IT'S HANNAH MONTANNA! She's beautiful!

Toby: _'Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, that's what did the trick sir, true, sir, true! Was it quick sir? Did it in a tick sir, just like an elixir ought to do!_

( _Toby tosses several bottles of the elixir into the crowd; one bottle hits an elderly woman, while Sweeney catches another bottle.)_

Sweeney: _What's this, what's this? There's white stuff everywhere!_

Mrs. Lovett: Wrong character, dear!

Sweeney: I mean, what is this? Smells like piss!

Mrs. Lovett: Smells like- EW! That's not sanitary!

Sweeney: YO HANNAH MONTANNA, WHO THE HECKY RUNS THIS PLACE?!

Toby: Oh noes! Your talking in Caps Lock has summoned Pirelli!

Pirelli: I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR CAPS LOCK! I mean- I-am-a-Adolfo-Pirelli-the-king-of-the-barbers-the-barbers-of-the-kings!

Sweeney: S*censor*'is about to get real.

Pirelli: Who-a-have-a-nerve-a-to-say-a-that-my-elixir-a-is-piss-a? I-shall-a-beat-the-living-s*censor-a*out-of-you-a!

Mrs. Lovett: Go Mr. T, it's your time to shine!

Sweeney: I PITY A FOO, I mean- time to kick some Pirelli ass! YO PIRELLI, MY NAME IS SWEENY TODD I LIVE ON FLEET STREET AND I THINK YOUR ELIXIR IS MADE OUT OF PISS AND INK!

( _The crowd gasps when they hear Sweeney question Pirelli's magical elixir_.)

Pirelli: You-are-a-most-foolish-man-to-question-my-elixir-a!

Sweeney: Oh yeah? Well I challenge you to a SHAVE OFF! My awesome, 100% real silver razors against… Five pounds!

( _The crowd gasps once more, several women swoon at the idea of two men having a shave off_.)

Pirelli: I-a-accept-a-your-challenge-a! Street-Urchin-a-bring-a-over-a-chair-a-and-a-towel-a!

( _Toby rushes off and quickly returns with the requested items, the crowd passes up an old chair_.)

Sweeney: Who's for a free shave?

( _The crowd starts to jump up and down, cheering wildly; Mrs. Lovett is the loudest though._ )

Sweeney: Not you, not you, not you, Mrs. Lovett? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE FACIAL HAIR! Not you, not you, not you, aw what the heck, YOU!

( _The two men that have been picked for a free shave quickly sit down and get the towel/blanket that all barbers use tossed over them_.)

Sweeney: This shave off is missing something…. Something important… a Judge! Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?

Beadle: AW YES! I mean, I am glad as always to help my friends and neighbors out.

Sweeney: No one's your friend. No one likes you.

Beadle: That hurts, that really hurts. I guess I'll just start the shave off; the fastest smoothest shave is the winner!

Sweeney: I am SO beating you!

Pirelli: Negative-a-Mr. Todd-a! I-a-will-a-be-a-the-one-a-to-beat-you-a!

Beadle: Can you two stop bickering for thirty seconds, so I can get this shave off started?

Sweeney: FINE.

Pirelli: FINE-A!

Beadle: On my mark… Get ready… GOOOOOOO!

( _Both barbers instantly move into action, the second The Beadle starts the contest. Pirelli starts to slather some shaving cream on his guy while Sweeney examines his razors_.)

Pirelli: _Now signorini, signorini, we mix a the lather. But first you a gather around. Signorini, signori, you be looking at the man who have had the glory to shave a the Pope!_

Sweeney: I really don't care, who you have shaved.

Pirelli: _Mr. Sweeney whoever, I beg-a you pardon, you'll probably say it was only a cardinal, nope! It was the Pope!_

Sweeney: I won't be saying it's anybody; I'm to be focusing on shaving this guy so I can beat you!

( _Pirelli continues to sing about shaving people as Sweeney examines his man_.)

Pirelli: _It take-a the GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!_

( _Half of the crowd goes deaf over Pirelli's super high note, while Pirelli is distracted by singing higher than any human being should ever sing Sweeney strikes_.)

Sweeney: And… I win!

Beadle: The winner is Todd!

( _The crowd cheers for Sweeney, Sweeney frowns and starts to clean his razor_.)

Mrs. Lovett: WHOOO MR. T! I knew you had it in you!

( _Sweeney gives Mrs. Lovett a death glare as Pirelli walks up to him_.)

Pirelli: I-a-am-a-glad-a-that-a-you-a-won-a!

Sweeney: Sure you are, where is the five pounds that I was promised if I kicked yo' ass?

Pirelli: Here-a, here-a-is-a-the-a-five-a-pound-a, may-a-God-shine-down-on-a-you-a!

Sweeney: Hey there's The Beadle standing all alone, I think I'm going to go over to him and kill him.

( _Sweeney swiftly walks away from a very confused Pirelli; Pirelli after a few seconds of confusion shrugs his shoulders and begins to beat up his street urchin because he lost. Mrs. Lovett soon catches up to Sweeney_.)

Mrs. Lovett: What are you doing? Why is that creepy grin on your face? You do realize, I won't let you kill anyone while there is this many people, right?

Sweeney: I do what I want, devil woman. Hello Beadle, it's always a _pleasure_ to see you.

Beadle: You're Mr. Sweeney Todd right?

Sweeney: The one and only.

Beadle: You can expect me to see you in your shop, by the end of the week.

( _Sweeney watches The Beadle walk away with an evil smile on his face_.)

Sweeney: Soon The Beadle will be mine to kill! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 **End of Chapter Five**


	6. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Six

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Six- Wait**

 **VerucaBeyotch- I is much, very glad that ye is enjoying the randomness of whatever this fanfiction has turned into. Just watch out for Judge Turpin, he may be gay but that doesn't mean he won't chase after pretty young girls/boys because he's your friendly neighborhood pervert.**

 **Disclaimer: I, Supernatural Willy Wonka, do not and never will own Sweeney Todd. ):**

( _Sweeney is staring out of his window, brooding and sharpening a razor, that's what we call multitasking as Mrs. Lovett talks to him_.)

Mrs. Lovett: This chair used to be my Albert's chair before he died, in a totally peaceful and normal way.

( _Mrs. Lovett thinks back to her husband's death. Albert is sitting in his chair and trying to eat a meat pie, when his wife suddenly runs into the kitchen. Mrs. Lovett is holding a battle axe; she lets out a loud war cry as she charges and impales her husband. The baker woman then starts to laugh insanely as her husband's blood sprays all over_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Sad times it was when Albert left me.

Sweeney: You are officially insane. You do realize that you said that whole thing out loud, what kind of story was that?!

Mrs. Lovett: A not very good one, I did fail my story telling class.

Sweeney: I am done with you devil woman, why hasn't The Beadle come yet?

Mrs. Lovett: It's only Tuesday, we have at least three more days until the end of the week.

Sweeney: I have the razor so I say it's Friday!

Mrs. Lovett: Time doesn't work like that love.

Sweeney: STOP CALLING ME LOVE, IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD BE CALLING ME, TODD PRINCE OF DARKNESS AND DESPAIR!

( _Sweeney throws down the belt he was using to sharpen his razor and stomps away from Mrs. Lovett, to go glare in the mirror_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Easy now hush, love hush, don't distress yourself what's your rush_?

Sweeney: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT CALLING ME LOVE?!

Mrs. Lovett: _Keep your thoughts nice and lush, wait._

Sweeney: NO! I HAVE WAITED FIFTEEN YEARS TO KILL THE JUDGE! I WILL NOT WAIT A SECOND LONGER, I SHALL MARCH ON DOWN TO HIS MANSION AND SLICE HIS THROAT! THEN EVERYONE WOULD BE LIKE, "OH TODD PRINCE OF DARKNESS AND DESPAIR YOU ARE SOOO COOL, I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU!

Mrs. Lovett: _Hush love hush, think it through, once it bubbles then what to do? Wait._

Sweeney: THEN ONCE EVERYONE HAS STOPPED BEING AMAZED AT MY AWESOME RAZOR SKILLS THEY'LL ALL THROW A GIANT PARADE TO CELEBRATE THE DEATH OF THE JUDGE. THERE WILL BE A DRUNKEN SANTA LIKE THE ONE I KICKED IN THE KNEECAPS ON ONE FLOAT, AND I'LL BE ON ANOTHER ONE THROWING RAZORS AT PEOPLE!

Mrs. Lovett: _I've been thinking flowers, maybe daisies, to brighten up the room. Don't you think some flowers; pretty daisies might relieve the gloom_?

Sweeney: Are you even listening to me woman, I am describing in great detail what I am going to do. Also DON'T YOU DARE PUT FLOWERS IN MY BARBER SHOP, I NEED IT TO LOOK DREARY AND DEPRESSING SO I CAN ANGST AND BROOD!

Mrs. Lovett: _Oh wait, love wait_.

Sweeney: If you call me love one more time, I shall throw you out the window onto that weird sailor boy who keeps walking back in forth in front of your pie shop. Now The Judge, when will we get to him?

( _Sweeney quickly moves to the outside of the barber shop to see if The Judge has magically appeared for a shave_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Can you think of nothing else, always brooding away about what happened all those fifty years ago.

Sweeney: HOW DARE YOU! First of all, I was only away for fifteen years, I've only said that about five times. Second, why must you torment my Lucy?

Mrs. Lovett: Lucy was a blonde, good for nothing piece of… I mean why don't we go back inside?

( _Mrs. Lovett leads Sweeney over to his barber chair and forces him to sit in it, there isn't much of a fight for Sweeney is too focused on killing The Judge to care what Mrs. Lovett is doing to him_.)

Mrs. Lovett: I could do _anything_ I want to him, _anything_ at all…

Sweeney: If you touch me, I'll practice on your throat.

Mrs. Lovett: _Slow love slow, time's so fast; now goes quickly see what's past. Soon will come, soon will last, wait._

Sweeney: What does that even mean?

Mrs. Lovett: Shut up, I'm singing. _Don't you know silly man, half the fun is too plan the plan, all good things come to those who can wait_.

Sweeney: This song is really starting to bum me out, when will the frick-fracking judge come?!

Mrs. Lovett: _Gillyflowers maybe, 'stead of daisies, I don't know though what do you think_?

Sweeney: Both are awful, why don't we keep the room the way it is?

( _Both of them suddenly hear footsteps running up the stairs, Sweeney smiles and ducks behind the door_.)

Sweeney: OMG! OMG! IT'S THE FRICK-FRACKING JUDGE!

Mrs. Lovett: Remember to have fun and be yourself.

( _The door swings open, crushing Sweeney as Anthony runs in like he's on fire_.)

Anthony: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd, are you in here?

Mrs. Lovett: He's behind the door love; would you like a meat pie?

Anthony: No thank you Mrs. Lovett ma'am I've been meat pie free since '63. If I may ask, why is the floor covered in pentagrams?

Mrs. Lovett: Sometimes my dear, things happen that even the wisest cannot explain.

Anthony: That sounds like something Gandalf would say, do you think I should see if Mr. Todd is okay?

Mrs. Lovett: Sure.

( _Mrs. Lovett takes out a spell book and some black candles as Anthony carefully opens the door, Sweeney falls to the floor out cold._ )

Anthony: Oh noes! I knocked Mr. Todd out!

Mrs. Lovett: Eh, he'll be fine. Do you want to try and summon Satan with me?

Anthony: I don't have to be anywhere until four, so why not!

( _The two sit in a pentagram and start to chant a weird spell that oddly sounds like, "Never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley._ )

 **End of-a Chapter Six-a!**


	7. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Seven

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Seven- Pirelli's Death**

 **VerucaBeyotch- Indeed, what the f*** was that? (Waves finger angrily at muse) my muse has really gotten out of hand. I really should do something about my out of control muse, before this parody gets really disturbing.**

( _Sweeney wakes up three and a half hours later, Mrs. Lovett and Anthony are not in the shop but a demonic goat named Charles is standing over him_.)

Sweeney: Hello Charles!

( _The demonic goat named Charles, gives a bone-chilling shriek and leaps away from the barber as there's a loud knock on the barber shop door. Sweeney quickly stands up and sees that Pirelli is at his door._

Sweeney: Come in! Come in!

( _Pirelli enters his shop, wearing his ridiculous blue outfit_.)

Sweeney: Where's your street urchin?

Pirelli: Your-a-woman-a-is-a-feeding-a-him-a!

Sweeney: Poor street urchin, he won't survive the night.

Pirelli: What-a?

Sweeney: Nothing sir, nothing at all.

Pirelli: You know I remember when I was an apprentice to you.

Sweeney: YO! WHERE DID YOUR ITALIAN ACCENT GO?!

Pirelli: I'm not Italian, I'm British and I like your shop. You must get quite the income….

( _Meanwhile downstairs Mrs. Lovett is staring at Toby's long blond hair with envy_.)

Mrs. Lovett: You have such beautiful hair, Hannah Montana.

Toby: I'm not Hannah Montana, and this even isn't my real hair.

( _Toby yanks off the blond wig, revealing brown hair that is sticking up all over the place_.)

Mrs. Lovett: YOU ARE _NOT_ HANNAH MONTANA! YOU HAVE LIED TO ME!

Toby: I have lied to you! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can I have a meat pie, now that we are past the whole Hannah Montana?

Mrs. Lovett: Sure thing!

( _Mrs. Lovett happily serves Toby a meat pie, Toby digs in the second he gets it._ )

Mrs. Lovett: Does Pirelli not feed you?

Toby: I get fed some, do you have any gin?

Mrs. Lovett: Of course I do! I 100% support alcoholism in children!

( _Meanwhile upstairs, Sweeney is staring sadly at his dresser while Pirelli talks on and on about his plans for the barber shop_.)

Pirelli: Then after I've gotten a bit of money from you, I think I'll re-decorate in pink. Pink is a nice, manly color.

( _Sweeney continues looking sadly at his dresser, ignoring Pirelli completely._ )

Pirelli: are you even listening to me, Mr. Sweeney Todd?

Sweeney: NO ONE TAKES AWAY THE GLOOM AND DESPAIR FROM MY SHOP!

( _Sweeney grabs the tea kettle that is just starting to whistle and starts to whack Pirelli_.)

Pirelli: OW!

Sweeney: I'M A LITTLE TEA POT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT!

Pirelli: I'M DYING! HELP!

Sweeney: I AM VIOLENT!

( _Sweeney finishes beating the life out of Pirelli and collapses into his chair_.)

Sweeney: Much violence.

( _Meanwhile downstairs, Toby hears the thump of Pirelli falling to the ground and looks up in confusion as the upstairs_. _Mrs. Lovett starts to whack pots and pans together to try and make it look like, the thumping sound came from her_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Spick and span, that's my motto.

Toby: Your shop looks like it hasn't been cleaned in fifteen years.

Mrs. Lovett: That's not very nice.

Toby: OMG! Your bewitching ways have made me forget that Pirelli has an appointment with his tailor to make his tights even tighter!

Mrs. Lovett: Can't you stay? I would hate for you to go back to that monster.

Toby: Sorry nice lady, but I can't stay. If I do, Pirelli will beat the living crap out of me!

( _Toby starts to run up the stairs, Sweeney hears his footsteps and instantly perks up_.)

Sweeney: I best clean this up; with my trusty friend Mr. Mop I can do anything!

( _Toby's foot hits a step; Sweeney cleans up the blood with Mr. Mop with the energy of someone who just drank 100 cups of coffee. Toby's foot hits another step; Sweeney shoves Pirelli into the placed body shaped trunk. Toby's foot hits the second to last stair; Sweeney dances the waltz with Mr. Mop. Toby bursts into the room, to find the barber sitting on the trunk and holding a mug of tea_.)

Sweeney: Why hello there, my young friend!

Toby: I'm not your friend; you didn't give me free food and alcohol. Where's Pirelli?

Sweeney: Uh… Pirelli left… He went to the market to buy some… Blueberries.

Toby: Seems legit.

( _Pirelli's hand suddenly twitches, luckily Toby doesn't see it_.)

Sweeney: Why don't you get going? I'm sure you'll find Pirelli in the market place.

Toby: Okay! I'll come back later to visit you!

Sweeney: NO DO NOT COME BACK! I mean, if you leave right now, tell Mrs. Lovett I told you to give you a nice big thing of gin! I too, support alcoholism in children.

Toby: AW YES!

( _Toby runs off to get that gin, the second he leaves, Sweeney flips open the trunk_.)

Pirelli: T-that wasn't… V-very nice.

Sweeney: I'm not a nice person.

( _Sweeney holds onto Pirelli's throat and cuts it, blood splatters all over, staining Sweeney's sleeves. Pirelli gurgles and chokes then dies; Sweeney pushes him back into the trunk and starts to wipe the blood off his razor. Mrs. Lovett suddenly enters the barber shop._

Mrs. Lovett: That street urchin will drink me out of my house.

( _Mrs. Lovett suddenly notices the amount of blood that is on Sweeney_.)

Mrs. Lovett: OMG! What did you do?! Where is Pirelli!?

Sweeney: Pirelli went bye-bye.

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, you didn't!

Sweeney: I did! Check the trunk!

( _Mrs. Lovett slowly opens the trunk, the instant the trunk is open she turns away from the mess_.)

Mrs. Lovett: That's a lot of blood.

Sweeney: There's a lot of blood in the human body.

Mrs. Lovett: You're starting to scare me a bit, Mr. T.

Sweeney: I only killed him because he tried to blackmail me. I don't do well with intimidation, it makes me feel icky.

Mrs. Lovett: Well. I was scared for a moment there; I really thought you had lost your marbles.

Sweeney: I lost my marbles a _long_ time ago; I'm just very good at hiding my insanity.

( _Sweeney turns to look out the window and gasps loudly; Judge Turpin is outside with The Beadle and quickly approaching his shop_.)

Sweeney: Holy s*censor*! OMG! OMG! THE FRICK-FRACKING JUDGE IS HERE!

Mrs. Lovett: He is? Well that's wonderful! I'll be downstairs, call if you need me.

Sweeney: THE JUDGE IS HERE! THE JUDGE IS HERE! I CAN FINALLY KILL HIM!

( _Sweeney suddenly catches the reflection of himself in his mirror and sees that his shirt is covered in blood._ )

Sweeney: OH NOES! MY SHIRT IS COVERED IN BLOOD! NO! NO! WHAT AM I TO DO!? MRS. LOVETT DO YOU HAVE A SHIRT, NO OF COURSE YOU DON'T YOU'RE A WOMAN! MRS. LOVETT, YOUR LADY PARTS HAVE RUNIED MY REVENGE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?

Mrs. Lovett: Whoa, that's a lot of caps lock. Why don't you just put a jacket over your shirt?

Sweeney: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

( _Sweeney quickly pulls on a jacket as The Judge starts to climb up the stairs_.)

Sweeney: Get out of here, before you ruin my revenge with your quick thinking and brilliant plans!

( _Mrs. Lovett leaves, by climbing out the window just as The Judge knocks on the door_.)

Sweeney: Come in!

 **End of Chapter Seven**

 **Ooooooh Cliffhanger!**

 **Well it's not like you guys and girls, don't know what's going to happen to our homicidal barber and perverted judge.**

 **SwEeNeY tOdD fOr PrEsIdEnT 2020**


	8. Sweeney Todd Chapter Eight

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Eight-Pretty Women**

 **I apologize for the wait my friends, life and school got busy and I was forced to take a break from this. Another important thing that you guys should know is that I'm not going to continue my story, Son of a Witch. I have has some fun times writing it, but honestly I'm out of ideas and it's gotten a bit too weird for my taste.**

 **VerucaBeyotch: I do not support alcoholism in children; my muse got high off sharpies and decided to get really weird. What type of kitty do you have? I feel your pain in pets walking all over keyboards; I have a puppy that loves to walk all over my keyboard.**

( _The judge enters Sweeney's barber shop and glares at Sweeney._ )

Sweeney: Why hello Judge Turpin!

Judge Turpin: How do you know me?

Sweeney: I secretly stalk you and watch you every night… I mean who in this world doesn't know you?

Judge Turpin: Well, that seems legit.

Sweeney: What can I do today for you sir? A stylish trimming of the hair? A soothing skin massage? Slitting your throat? Sit, sir, sit.

Judge Turpin: _You see sir a man infatuated with love, her ardent and eager slave. So fetch the pomade and pumice stone and lend me a more seductive tone, a sprinkling perhaps of French cologne but first sir I think a shave._

Sweeney: What a sexy voice you have, I mean, _the closest I ever gave_.

( _Sweeney puts the blanket/towel thing around the judge and prepares his shaving stuff_.)

Sweeney: Well this is awkward… Hey I know what will make this less awkward! Whistling!

( _Sweeney starts to whistle as the judge gives him a confused look, the angst filled barber he knows rarely whistles_.)

Judge Turpin: _In a merry mood today, Mr. Todd_?

Sweeney: _'Tis your delight sir catching fire from one man to the next_.

Judge Turpin: I never knew my creepiness could spread to others! _'Tis true sir love can still inspire the blood to pound, the heart leap higher, what more_?

Sweeney: _What more?_ Your blood is going to spill over the floor.

Judge Turpin: What was that? I shall leave if you keep interrupting my singing.

Sweeney: No, no, no! Do not leave! I promise I won't interrupt your singing anymore!

Judge Turpin: Okay… Where was I?

( _Judge Turpin pulls out a script and starts to flip through it to find where he was, Sweeney comes over and points to their location._ )

Sweeney/ Judge Turpin: _Can both men require_?

Judge Turpin: _Then love sir?_

Sweeney: _More than love, sir?_

Judge Turpin: Are you talking about women?

Sweeney: Yes.

Judge Turpin: _Ah yes women._

Sweeney: _Pretty women…._ Soon I shall spill your rubies.

Judge Turpin: You're starting to scare me… Who cares though, I need a shave and you are clearly a man to be trusted!

( _Judge Turpin starts to hum as Sweeney whistles for a moment it's almost peaceful, until Sweeney decides to continue his plan of killing the judge_.)

Judge Turpin: Do you hear that mysterious music?

Sweeney: That mysterious music always plays when I sing. _Now then my friend, now to your purpose._

Judge Turpin: Even though I am barely a foot away from you, I somehow cannot hear you singing to your razor about killing me.

Sweeny: It's not a razor, its name is Timothy!

Judge Turpin: You're still scaring me.

Sweeney: _Patience, enjoy it. Revenge can't be taken in-_

Judge Turpin: _Make haste in this work and you'll be commended sir-_

Sweeney: _My lord, and who may it be said is your intended sir_?

Judge Turpin: _My ward, pretty as a rosebud._

Sweeney: Timothy, you are the only one holding me back from killing this perverted scum of the Earth.

Judge Turpin: My you scare me-o- meter is at 120%.

Sweeney: _Pretty as her mother_.

Judge Turpin _: What? What was that_?

( _Sweeney starts to slowly shave the judge as he continues their odd song_.)

Sweeney: _Nothing sir, nothing_. I am going to have so much fun killing you. _Pretty women, fascinating, sipping coffee, dancing. Pretty women are a wonder, pretty women sitting in the window or standing on the stair. Something in them cheers the air, pretty women._

Judge Turpin: _Silhouetted._

Sweeney: _Stay within you._

Judge Turpin: _Glancing…._

Sweeney: _Stay forever._ Once more this song is going into perverted city.

Judge Turpin: My cousin lives there! _Breathing lightly._

Sweeney: _Pretty women_ , _pretty women!_ At this point I am too full of anger to care what happens and I seem to have tricked you by singing about women, so I'm going to continue doing just that.

( _Judge Turpin is too into the song to notice that Sweeney's razor is getting dangerously close to his jugular vein_.)

Judge Turpin: _Blowing out their candles._

Sweeney: _Or combing out their hair._ Let's play a game! Why don't we name every activity that we've seen like three women do while my razor gets closer and closer to slitting your throat?

Judge Turpin: I love games! I especially love the games where you get to rape the loser!

Sweeney: Well I won't be losing this game.

Judge Turpin: _Then they leave even when they leave you and vanish they somehow can remain there. They're there, ah pretty women_.

Sweeney: I'll go first. _At their mirrors._

Judge Turpin: _In their gardens_.

Sweeney: That's the best you could come up with?

Judge Turpin: I'll let you know, I've gotten plenty a women while strolling through their gardens!

Sweeney: Urge… To kill rising… _Letter writing_.

Judge Turpin: _Flower picking_.

Sweeney: Flower picking is another type of gardening! 2 points for Judge Turpin because you have a very nice singing voice, and 5, 000 points for Sweeney! You lose, you get nothing, good day sir!

Judge Turpin: _Weather watching_.

Sweeney: Let's play a new game, this game is called "I slit your throat and smile like a psychopath as you bleed to death _."_

Judge Turpin: _How they make a man sing_!

Sweeney: I guess I'll be the only one playing this new game. _Proof of heaven as your living, pretty women._

(Sweeney _starts to move in towards the kill, it's now or never_.)

Sweeney: _Sir, pretty women!_

Judge Turpin: _Pretty women_!

Sweeney: Goodbye Judge Turpin, _Pretty women_!

Judge Turpin: _Pretty women_!

( _Just as Sweeney is about to slit the judge's throat, Anthony bursts into the shop_.)

Anthony: Mr. Todd! I found this really pretty girl named Johanna and she said that she would elope with me some time, we don't know when but soon!

Judge Turpin: Here I thought I was safe from the perverts that try to steal my Johanna; well I now know what kind of company you keep barber! You shan't be seeing me here again!

( _Judge Turpin quickly exits with his face half shaved, he looks like an idiot_.)

Anthony: Mr. Todd you need to help me!

Sweeney: You're going to pay for this, sailor boy.

Anthony: Mr. Todd, I really need you help!

Sweeney: Out.

Anthony: Mr. Todd, please!

Sweeney:OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!

( _Anthony screams like a little girl and leaves the barber shop as fast as he can_.)

 **Oh yes. Epiphany is up next, whenever I get back to this.**

 **Sweeney TODD for PRESIDENT 2020**


	9. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Nine

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Nine- Epiphany**

 **I apologize for the wait; I purposely waited until the weekend so I could have time to type this. One cannot rush through Epiphany; I have been waiting since I started this parody to mess with Epiphany.**

 **VerucaBeyotch- I love huskies! Did you name her after the lion in The Lion King? I just looked at a picture of a Main Coon and they are quite the pretty cat. I have never watched WWATCF but I have seen the boat scene on YouTube and it terrifies me, especially that part where Willy Wonka starts screaming at everyone and sounds like a train.**

Mrs. Lovett: What the frick-frack is going on?

Sweeney: _I had him_! _His throat was there beneath my hand_!

Mrs. Lovett: Well, we all must suffer defeat. This isn't the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, you could be sent to Australia and be gang raped by kangaroos!

Sweeney: Don't you dare remind me of what those kangaroos did to me!

Mrs. Lovett: Golly Goshkins, I'm sorry! Forget about the kangaroos and get back to complaining about Judge Turpin!

Sweeney: I can never forget what those kangaroos did to me.

Mrs. Lovett: You need to continue singing, or we'll both be fired for not sticking to the script.

Sweeney: _His throat was there and now he'll never come again_!

Mrs. Lovett: There you go! _Easy now, hush love hush, I keep telling you, what's your rush_?

( _Sweeney doesn't answer as he flips rapidly through the script_.)

Mrs. Lovett: That's your cue…

( _Sweeney continues to flip through the script, he frowns as he throws the script to the ground and proceeds to light it on fire_ )

Mrs. Lovett: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Sweeney: I'm merely skipping ahead to the good parts, next time please don't yell in caps lock, half of the audience just went deaf.

( _The scene starts to quickly change, Mrs. Lovett screams as she is sucked into the horrors of Sweeney's mind_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Where are we?

Sweeney: My mind. Don't go down memory lane, an army of half banana, half human creatures have taken it over.

Mrs. Lovett: I am extremely confused to how we even got here, but who cares! Let's finish this scene!

Sweeney: Hey look, there's zombie Pirelli!

Zombie Pirelli: BRAAAAAAINS!

Mrs. Lovett: What did he say?

Sweeney: Who knows?

( _Zombie Pirelli limps over to Mrs. Lovett and bites a chunk out of her skull; Sweeney seems unfazed by his actions_.)

Sweeney: Well, I always knew one day I would have to kill Mrs. Lovett.

Zombie Mrs. Lovett: BRAAAAAINS!

Zombie Pirelli: BRAAAAAAAINS!

( _Before either can attack Sweeney, the beggar woman leaps out from the shadows and starts to roundhouse kick the zombies in their faces_.)

Sweeney: I'm starting to get extremely confused, what is going on?!

Beggar Woman: Oh that's an easy one, you're having a mental breakdown and your mind is starting to crumble. Don't worry, I have a mental breakdown eleven times a week and I'm perfectly fine!

Sweeney: Aren't you the one, I hear screaming at 3AM ever morning?

Beggar Woman: Okay, so I'm sort of fine.

Sweeney: That doesn't comfort me, look out!

( _Zombie Mrs. Lovett suddenly bites The Beggar Woman's ankle as she goes to roundhouse kick her in the face_.)

Sweeney: Well s*censor*! I better run!

( _Sweeney starts to run before the zombies can catch him, he suddenly finds himself climbing upstairs that lead to a bell tower_. _By now the two zombies have turned all of London into zombies and they have surrounded the bell tower, Sweeney still seems unfazed_.)

Sweeney: I've seen worse.

Mysterious Voice: Helloooooooo Sweeney Todd….

Sweeney: NO, NOT YOU! NOT MY KANGAROO RAPIST, STEVE!

Steve: BUT IT IS! I HAVE COME HERE ALL THE WAY FROM AUSTRALIA TO RAPE YOU!

Sweeney: THAT CANNOT BE! I KILLED YOU!

( _The scene quickly changes to a dusty looking desert in Australia; next to Sweeney is the dead body of Steve as Sweeney wrestles The Crocodile Hunter_.)

Crocodile Hunter: 'E's a tuff one! Don't worry mate, I'll get that skunk off yer head!

Sweeney: It's not a skunk; IT'S MY HAIR YOU IGNORANT SWINE!

( _Sweeney yanks out a blood covered twig that has been sharpened and stabs The Crocodile Hunter in the throat_. _Blood sprays all over Sweeney_ )

Bambi: Mother! Wait a minute, why am I in Australia? Why am I calling The Crocodile Hunter my mother?

Thumper: I don't know! Wait a second, why am _I_ in Australia?!

Bambi: Welcome to the club of, "animals that are not native to Australia!"

( _A second Sweeney slowly walks into the scene and looks at the blood covered Sweeney and the terrified fawn and rabbit_.)

Sweeney: Now, I'm really confused. One minute I was in a bell tower looking down at the zombies, now I've wandered into my memories!

Bambi: Were just as confused as you.

( _Without a warning, the blood covered Sweeney gives a loud war cry and pounces on Bambi and Thumper. The scene fades until Sweeney is back at the bell tower, staring at Steve the rapist kangaroo_.)

Steve: Now do you see how I got here?

Sweeney: Not really. You showed me how past me killed The Crocodile Hunter, you, Bambi, and Thumper.

Steve: Aw fudge cakes! I showed you the wrong memory!

( _Steve disappears in a cloud of purple, sparkly smoke as an old man walks out of the bell tower_.)

Judge Frollo: Who are you?!

Sweeney: WHO ARE YOU?!

Judge Frollo: _The world is cruel, the world is wi-_

( _Before Judge Frollo can continue, Sweeney gives a high-pitched scream and stabs Frollo in the throat_.)

Sweeney: DIE! DIE! DIE! STABBITY STAB STAB!

Sweeney: Now to deal with these zombies.

( _There's suddenly a loud noise as a chainsaw rises out of the dead body of Frollo_.)

Chainsaw: Hello, I am Gaston the talking chainsaw!

Sweeney: I don't care.

( _Sweeney cuts off his hand, super glues the chainsaw on his hand, and leaps down from the bell tower. Some action music that vaguely sounds like the theme from Jurassic Park just sped up plays as Sweeney cuts through the herd of zombies_.)

Gaston the Talking Chainsaw: THIS ISN'T VERY SANITARY!

Sweeney: I don't care. OMG, IS THAT BILLY MAYS?!

Zombie Billy Mays: BRAAAAAAINS THE POWER OF OXI CLEAN COMPELS YOU, BRAAAAAAINS!

( _Zombie Billy Mays throws a container of Oxi Clean at Sweeney, everything turns black as Sweeney is knocked out_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh cool, you're awake.

( _Sweeney sits up and sees that he is in the barber shop, the barber shop is completely messed up with broken furniture_.)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, what the frick-frack happened?

Mrs. Lovett: You completely flipped out after the judge left, I think you went on some sort of weird hallucination because you were ranting about zombies and you cut off your hand and replaced it with a chainsaw to kill the zombies.

Sweeney: So, you're saying you did nothing to stop me from cutting off my hand and replacing it with a chainsaw?

Mrs. Lovett: Nope!

( _Sweeney revs his chainsaw-hand; Mrs. Lovett takes that as her cue to escape while she still can. The camera slowly backs away, as high-pitched screams and insane laughter fills the air_.)

 **End of Chapter Nine**

 **That should about wrap it up for mind warp central.**

 **SWEENY TODDZ FOR PRESIDENT 2020**


	10. Sweeney Todd Parody Part One

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Ten- A Little Priest**

 **VerucaBeyotch- Your husky sounds very cool and beautiful. I do not have any huskies; I have four dogs that I do not know the breeds of. They are all mixes and of different sizes, we have Olive who is smallest. Next is Biscuit who is medium sized, Bruce is slightly bigger than Biscuit, lastly there's Scruffy who is the biggest one. All I have to say about kangaroos raping people is that what happens in Australia stays in Australia.**

( _Mrs. Lovett drags Sweeney downstairs and pours him some gin_.)

Sweeney: Oh no I couldn't, I've been gin free since prison.

Mrs. Lovett: DRINK IT!

Sweeney: Okay, okay!

( _Sweeney chugs the gin as fast as he can, as Mrs. Lovett stands by the window and reflects on her life, she suddenly remembers that there is a dead man in the chest upstairs_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Seems a downright shame_ …

Sweeney: Excuse me? I don't understand what you mean.

Mrs. Lovett: _Seems an awful waste, such a nice plump frame, what's his name has- had._

Sweeney: Are you talking about Pirelli? Because if you are, I would be glad to join your random singing.

Mrs. Lovett: I am singing about Pirelli, and I am going to hold you to your word! Start singing!

Sweeney: Dang it. Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Mrs. Lovett: _Nor it can't be traced; business needs a lift debts to be erased. Think of it as thrift as a gift, if you get my drift? Seems an awful waste, I mean with the price of meat, what it is when you get it, if you get it_. Are you kidding me? Do I need a large neon sign that says, "I want to cook people and sell them" above my head?

Sweeney: That would be nice.

( _Mrs. Lovett yanks a red curtain off a window, only it's not a window it is a large neon sign that says "I want to cook people and sell them_.)

Sweeney: So that's what you want.

Mrs. Lovett: _Good you got it, take for instance Mrs. Moony and her pie shop_.

Sweeney: What does Mrs. Moony have to do with this? Who is Mrs. Moony? Is she your imaginary friend? I won't judge you for having an imaginary friend.

Mrs. Lovett: You know I haven't had an imaginary friend since last year. _Business never better using only pussycats and toast, and a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!_

Sweeney: Do I dare ask how you know how much meat pies you get from a cat? And why can't you just say "cat" like a normal person?

Mrs. Lovett: I'm not normal; I thought you would know that by now. _And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste_!

Sweeney: I'm only slightly scared of what you do in your free time.

Mrs. Lovett: I could do you in my free time…

Sweeney: SWEET JESUS NO! Please continue your singing, and stop filling with my mind with images of us… Doing the do.

( _Mrs. Lovett shoves a script into Sweeney's face; she opens it and points at the part that they are at_.)

Sweeney: Oh. It's my line. _Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion_.

Mrs. Lovett: _Well, it does seem a waste_.

Sweeney: _Eminently practical, and yet appropriate as always!_

Mrs. Lovett: _It's an idea…_ Look Mr. T, I'm thinking!

Sweeney: Wonderful.

( _Sweeney strolls over to Mrs. Lovett and grabs onto her, the two start to waltz around the kitchen_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh! I didn't know you could dance, Mr. T!

Sweeney: I can't.

( _Their waltz of treachery is interrupted by Sweeney tripping on Mrs. Lovett's skirts, and falling to the floor. He pops up a second later and holds out his hand for Mrs. Lovett to take_.)

Sweeney: Shall we continue?

Mrs. Lovett: Please. Do not trip again; you almost brought me down with you.

Sweeney: That's my goal Mrs. Lovett; if I fall I try to bring as much people down with me as I can.

Mrs. Lovett: I'll whack you with my magical rolling pin.

( _They start to waltz again, this time much slower_.)

Sweeney: _Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived without you all these years, I'll never know! How delectable, also undetectable_!

Mrs. Lovett: I get all tingly when you say you've barely survived without me.

Sweeney: I'm just reading the script, devil woman.

Mrs. Lovett: _Think about it, lots of other gentlemen, soon be coming in for a shave. Won't they? Think of all of them pies!_

Sweeney: I don't want to think of "all them pies."

Mrs. Lovett: You better start, because you'll be supplying the meat for them.

Sweeney: That excites me; I do love the idea of being able to kill innocent people. _How choice_ , _how rare! For what's the sound of the world out there_?

( _The two happily skip over to the window and yank back the curtains to gaze hungrily at the people that are walking back and forth_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _What Mr. Todd, what Mr. Todd, what is that sound_?

Sweeney: People walking? According to the script that's the wrong answer, even though that's the answer I would give.

Mrs. Lovett: Just script to the script, I have an appointment with my interior decorator in half a hour.

Sweeney: Oh hon, no interior decorator, could ever fix up this hellhole!

Mrs. Lovett: EXUUUUUSE ME?!

Sweeney: I mean, _those crunching noises pervading t_ he _air_!

Mrs. Lovett: _Then who are we to deny it in here_?

Sweeney: Must we turn to cannibalism? Cannibalism is deeply frowned upon in most societies.

Mrs. Lovett: Wrong character, dear.

Sweeney: _These are desperate times Mrs. Lovett and desperate measures are called for_!

Mrs. Lovett: So you finally agree with me on cannibalism?

Sweeney: God no! I'm just sticking to the script, wait a second, you're reading from the same script. You don't really support cannibalism do you?

Mrs. Lovett: I plead the fifth. _Here we are, hot out of the oven_!

( _Mrs. Lovett takes a meat pie out of an oven, and places it on the table. Sweeney stares at it, like the meat pie has killed his family, well what remains of his family_.)

Sweeney: What. Is. That?

Mrs. Lovett: _It's priest. Have a little priest_.

( _Mrs. Lovett looks out of the window towards the church, there's a priest on the doorstep telling people that they're going to hell_.)

Sweeney: I don't want to play your pretend games anymore, Lovett!

( _Sweeney runs away from Mrs. Lovett, and would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids, I mean he would have gotten away if Mrs. Lovett hadn't stopped him with her magical rolling pin_.)

Sweeney: Fine, I guess I have to pretend that whatever in god's name that is, is actually priest.

Mrs. Lovett: AW YES! I have someone to play with!

Sweeney: Is it really good?

Mrs. Lovett: _Sir, it's too good at least! Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh, so it's pretty fresh_.

( _Sweeney turns away from Mrs. Lovett and returns to the window, Mrs. Lovett drops the meat pie on the floor and follows the barber_.)

Sweeney: _Awful lot of fat_. Seriously, I'm trying to watch my figure so that I continue wearing these pinstriped pants.

Mrs. Lovett: Well that's interesting to hear, _only where it sat_.

( _Sweeney quickly loses interest in the priest and turns to a poet. The poet seems to be reciting Shakespeare and holding a skull_.)

Sweeney: _Haven't you got poet or something like that_?

Mrs. Lovett: Haven't you been paying attention? I don't have any poet, I only have pretend priest! Anyways, the trouble with poet is that you never know if it's deceased, so why don't you try the priest?

Sweeney: I am 234% I will get cancer from eating that meat pie.

Mrs. Lovett: PLAY WITH ME, PLAY WITH ME FOREVER!

Sweeney: Okay, okay! _Heavenly! Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps but then again, not as bland as curate either_!

Mrs. Lovett: _And good for business too, always leaves you wanting more! Trouble is we only get it on Sundays! Lawyers rather nice._

Sweeney: I don't want any more, and yes lawyer is nice if it's for a price.

( _Both turn towards a lawyer that's in the middle of the street. The lawyer is wearing glasses and has a briefcase, the briefcase suddenly opens and papers that all look like a brochure for a local Chinese restaurant spill all over_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Order something else, though to follow_. _Since no one should swallow it twice!_

Sweeney: You can trust me not to swallow anything that was once a human twice.

Mrs. Lovett: I have a magical rolling pin, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Sweeney: _Anything that's lean_ , like I said I'm trying to watch my figure.

Mrs. Lovett: _Well then if you're British and loyal, you might enjoy the Royal Marine_!

( _Both look outside the window and turn towards a figure in camouflage, the man is waving a giant skull and crossbones flag_.)

Sweeney: He's certainly patriotic.

Mrs. Lovett: _Anyway it's clean, though of course it tastes of wherever it's been!_

Sweeney: If I'll be eating these pies, I'll be trying my gosh darn best not to taste it.

( _Mrs. Lovett whacks Sweeney over the head with her magical rolling pin of magic_.)

Mrs. Lovett: YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON'T THROW A FIT!

Sweeney: Okay, okay, Jesus woman! _Is that squire on the fire_?

( _They both turn and look at a man, who is dressed up like some spazzy jester; the man is prancing around playing with a puppet and throwing confetti at small children_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Mercy no sir, look closer, you'll notice its grocer_!

Sweeney: I KNOW WHAT I SAW WOMAN!

Mrs. Lovett: No need to yell, your eyesight might be going because you're getting old.

Sweeney: You're older than me!

Mrs. Lovett: SO CRUEL!

Sweeney: _Looks thicker, more like vicar_!

( _Near the priest, outside the window is a man dressed like the priest. This man is throwing small crosses at people, in hopes that they'll take them and go to his sermon_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _No, it has to be grocer, its green_!

( _A grocer rides past them, on a shopping cart_.)

Sweeney: Is that man okay?

( _The grocer smiles at them and crashes into the Beggar Woman, his shopping cart full of grapes spills all over the place_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Eh, he'll be fine.

( _Sweeney decides this is a brilliant time to start waltzing again_.)

Sweeney: _The history of the world my love._

Mrs. Lovett: _Save a lot of graves, do a lot of relative's favors_!

Sweeney: I fear what is going to happen to me, when I die.

Mrs. Lovett: No need to fear, Mr. T, I'll take care of you when you die.

Sweeney: That doesn't help comfort me. _Is those below serving those up above_.

Mrs. Lovett: _Everybody shaves, so there should be plenty of flavors_!

Sweeney: Yum. People pies.

Mrs. Lovett: _Those above will serve those down below_!

( _The camera pans away from them as the writer of this story, realizes that she has written so much she needs to make A Little Priest into two parts_.)

A Little Priest Part Two shall come soon.


	11. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Ten Part Two

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **A Little Priest Part Two**

 **Random Note: For those of you reading my other story, DEPP LEGACY, I made a mistake. I accidently put up the wrong writing, the un-finished chapter instead of the completed chapter. I have fixed this mistake, the correct, finished chapter is up and I apologize for being an idiot.**

 **VerucaBeyotch- I watched EXUUUUUUUUUUSE ME PRINCESS, and I now have images of Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett yelling EXUUUUUSE ME at each other. I now know why they didn't make Link talk; all he would say is that. What is with me putting random references to other things? Well this is a parody, I guess that random references are okay, but that explain why I do it in my other stories.**

( _There is an instrumental break from Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra, as Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett waltz. Thankfully Sweeney doesn't trip as Mrs. Lovett waltz's with him over to her counter_.)

Sweeney: Enough with the waltzing!

Mrs. Lovett: I was done ten minutes ago, now aren't you going to question rather rudely what I'm holding in my hand?

( _Sweeney stops waltzing with himself and glares at whatever is in Mrs. Lovett's hand_.)

Sweeney: What. Is. That?

Mrs. Lovett: _It's fop, finest in the shop, or we have some Sheppard's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top. And I've just begun, here's a politician so oily, it's served with a doily, have one_?

Sweeney: Nope, nope, nopety, nope, nope!

Mrs. Lovett: Aw come on try it, it's not that bad.

Sweeney: Women, I literally watched you beat up a rat and make it into a meat pie for your pretend priest.

Mrs. Lovett: Do I need to use my magical rolling pin on you?

Sweeney: _Put it on a bun, well you never know if it's going to run_!

Mrs. Lovett: That's a good boy.

Sweeney: I AM NOT A GOOD BOY! I KICKED SANTA IN THE KNEECAP!

Mrs. Lovett: So? I once visited that nice, old Santa and you would not believe what we did! Let me just say Santa has the biggest-

( _Sweeney suddenly puts his hand over Mrs. Lovett's mouth, to prevent her from going any further_.)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, there are children in the audience.

( _Mrs. Lovett mutters something which vaguely sounds like, "I hate children.")_

Sweeney: I hate them too, but do you really want a lawsuit on your hands for scarring children?

( _Mrs. Lovett quickly shakes her head no, but says something that roughly translates too, "I have a lawyer."_ )

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, you are your own lawyer.

( _Sweeney then decides it's a good idea to remove his hand from Mrs. Lovett's mouth, before she bites all of his fingers off. Hey, he needs those fingers to 'shave' customers_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Don't ever do that again. Now where were we? Oh yes, _try the friar, fried its drier_.

Sweeney: That didn't even make sense. Eh, who cares, _no the clergy is really too coarse and too mealy_.

Mrs. Lovett: I'm the one who isn't making sense?

Sweeney: Shut up and sing, so we can finally end this scene and go our separate ways.

Mrs. Lovett: I do love it when you give me commands; maybe after this scene you can give me some more commands… In my bedroom?

Sweeney: NO! NO! NO! NO! DO NOT WANT! NO MEANS NO! HALT DON'T TOUCH ME THERE, THAT'S MY PRIVATE SQUARE!

Mrs. Lovett: Something tells me you're not okay with making love to me, soon though you will be fine with it.

Sweeney: If you don't sing your lines, I am going to cut your throat and bathe in your blood.

Mrs. Lovett: Wow, harsh. _The actor, its compactor_.

Sweeney: _Ah, but always arrives overdone_.

Mrs. Lovett: I'll make you overdone… If you know what I mean.

Sweeney: You're the one who's going to make me need therapy; I'm going to charge you for it.

Mrs. Lovett: I can give you therapy… In my bedroom.

Sweeney: JESUS ROOSEVELT CHRIST! DID JUDGE FRICK-FRACK TURPIN INVADE YOUR BRAIN? GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER AND FOCUS ON THIS GOSG DARN DIDDLY SCENE!

Mrs. Lovett: Someone forget their anti- psychotic medication.

Sweeney: I stopped taking my medicine when I started getting a craving for rum and sailing the open seas.

Mrs. Lovett: You know, it is your line.

Sweeney: I know, I'm just waiting for Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra to start playing again. Remember kids if you ever need a random orchestra, call 1-800- UNKY-JMMY.

( _With those wise words of wisdom, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play once more as Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett begin to waltz again_.)

Mrs. Lovett: You're picking up waltzing rather quickly.

Sweeney: I don't care.

Mrs. Lovett: That was SO rude! I have done nothing but help you the second you returned from who the heck knows where! Why are you cruel to me? I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG TO YOU! EXCUSE YOU BUT I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED SO HARSHLY, I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN!

Sweeney: Okay, and _I'm_ the one who forgot their medication?

Mrs. Lovett: I'm sorry, I was having a mental breakdown.

Sweeney: Your point? I have at least three mental breakdowns a day, you just don't see them because I spend all of my time brooding in my shop.

( _Sweeney decides at that moment, the perfect thing to do to help someone recover from a mental breakdown is to pin Mrs. Lovett against the wall with a meat cleaver at her throat_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Yo, can you back up like a few hundred feet? You're holding a sharp object up to my throat; usually if a throat is pierced the victim doesn't survive. Where did you even get that meat cleaver?

Sweeney: Oh this old thing? I found it on the table, right next to your pretend priest pie. _I'll come again when you have judge on the menu_.

( _For the third time that day, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play as the two waltz. Sweeney holds his meat cleaver to the back of Mrs. Lovett, while Mrs. Lovett holds her magical rolling pin up to Sweeney's back_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Must you hold that against me? It's starting to cut through my several layers of clothing.

Sweeney: Hey, you have your magical rolling pin; you could do anything with it!

( _Sweeney instantly regrets his words as a creepy smile grows on Mrs. Lovett's face, as perverted idea that Judge Turpin would love fill her mind_.)

Mrs. Lovett: My magical rolling pin and I are going to have quite the fun time with you.

Sweeney: I would rather not be a rolling pin's plaything.

Mrs. Lovett: You'll be what I want you to be!

Sweeney: Don't you have a line or something?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh yeah, I got distracted by the sexy times that are in our future. _Yes, yes I know my love_.

Sweeney: Now that I know what you're thinking, calling me "love" makes me uncomfortable.

Mrs. Lovett: I love you though, and I want to express my love to you in every and any way possible!

Sweeney: I am going to get a restraining order against you, after I find a good therapist.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh love, no piece of paper that hasn't been invented yet is going to keep me away from you.

Sweeney: I don't know what to say, so I'm going to continue our song and hopefully we'll finish this scene soon. _We'll take the customers that we can get_.

Mrs. Lovett: _High-born and low, my love_. To start, I can get you…. In my bedroom.

Sweeney: NO! NO! NO!

Mrs. Lovett: YES! YES! YES!

Sweeney: Why don't we finish this gosh darn scene, then you can lust over me as I lock myself in my barber shop forever?

Mrs. Lovett: That's sounds like a lovely idea, except no walls or windows can hide you.

Sweeney: _We'll not discriminate great from small; no we'll serve anyone, meaning anyone_! Seriously, I am going to invent the restraining order and you'll be the first person to have it put on them.

Mrs. Lovett: Then you'll have my babies, and we'll live happily ever after by the sea!

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, I'm not getting you pregnant.

Mrs. Lovett: I hope are children aren't full of angst and revenge like you!

Sweeney: I AM NOT GETTING YOU PREGNANT!

Mrs. Lovett: There was no reason to yell, sometimes I think you yell because you know deep down inside if you don't, no one will listen to you.

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: You heard me, deep down; buried under all your angst I think there is a romantic who would love to be free. I can help you free this romantic side of you in-

Sweeney: - In my bedroom, I get it. I, under no condition am I going to sleep with you.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh you'll change your mind, you. Will. Change. Your. Mind.

Sweeney: No.

Mrs. Lovett: _We'll serve anyone_. Let me serve you, you shall quickly see how good of a wife I am. Not like that good for nothing blond nitwit Lucy.

Sweeney: DID YOU JUST DISS MAH LUCY?! We are finishing this scene and then I am going to beat the living out of you.

Mrs. Lovett: Bring it on! I've fought worse than you!

Sweeney: _And to anyone!_ B*censor* you're going down!

Mrs. Lovett: _At all!_ HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME, I SHALL MAKE YOU PAY AND BY PAY I MEAN YOU ARE GOING WITH ME TO MY BEDROOM!

Sweeney: NEVER! WILD HORSES COULDEN'T DRAG ME TO THAT GOD FORSAKEN BEDROOM!

Mrs. Lovett: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT CAN DRAG YOU?

Sweeney: WHAT?

Mrs. Lovett: A MAGICAL ROLLING PIN!

Sweeney: NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

( _Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play them out, as Mrs. Lovett holds her magical rolling pin under Sweeney's chin and drags him to her bedroom.)_

 **End of Chapter Ten**

 **I'm going to hell for this, eh at least Dean will be down there.**


	12. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Eleven

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Eleven- Johanna Two**

 **Guest- Hello friend! I am very glad that you are enjoying this parody; there is no need to worry. I still have like… four more songs to mess up, so this parody has a bit to go before it ends. So to answer your question I SHALL CONTINUE MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

( _The camera cuts to Judge Turpin's house, Johanna is inside packing a suitcase with everything from eggs to a guide on growing carrots_.)

Johanna: Do I really need this? Eh, I'll impress Anthony with my carrot growing skills if nothing else works.

( _The door is suddenly slammed open, Judge Turpin walks in. The Judge looks like a walking model of swag with a backwards hat and those weird slot sunglasses in hot pink_ )

Judge Turpin: Yo, yo, yo! What up Johanna?

Johanna: Did you convince the maid to unlock the liquor cabinet for you?

Judge Turpin: Whaaaaat? Girl you cray-cray!

Johanna: Okay… You know it's really rude for a man to enter a woman's room without knocking.

Judge Turpin: That may be true, but you ain't no lady Johanna! I saw you throw that key to the sailor boy that I told to never walk by my home again!

Johanna: I did no such thing!

Judge Turpin: Liar, liar plants for hire!

Johanna: its pants on fire you idiot!

Judge Turpin: YO BEADLE!

( _The Beadle slides into the room, wearing as much swaggy clothes as Judge Turpin. The Beadle stands up and crosses his arms in some sort of gang symbol_.)

Johanna: What are you two wearing?

Judge Turpin: We is wearing the clothes that we found in the middle of the street!

Beadle: Yeah! What is it you need Swagmaster Turpin?

Judge Turpin: Do you remember what I told you in my office, when we were coloring some of my inappropriate books?

Beadle: I remember 12% of what you told me.

Judge Turpin: Good enough. Do my dirty work Beadle!

( _The Beadle runs forward and leaps onto Johanna, Johanna screams as The Beadle drags her to the floor. The two pop up a moment later, Johanna is in a headlock_.)

Judge Turpin: Yay! My plan actually worked!

Johanna: Let me go! If you're going to rape me, at warn me in advance!

Judge Turpin: I ain't gonna rape you child. I'm merely relocating you until you learn to love me.

Johanna: You can't do that! You cannot force me to love you!

Judge Turpin: I can! Beadle, take this girl child away!

( _The Beadle drags a screaming Johanna outside where a carriage is waiting, Anthony just happens to be waiting on the front steps writing a love letter to Johanna_.)

Anthony: Dear Johanna, Your hair is as yellow as… As corn? Tortillas? Yellow snow that my momma always told me never to eat but I ate anyways?

( _Anthony looks up in thought and notices Johanna being shoved into a carriage against her will_.)

Anthony: Yo! What the hecky are you doing to my girlfriend?

Judge Turpin: What the hecky are you doing on my doorstep?

Anthony: Um… Not writing a love letter to your ward?

Judge Turpin: Seems legit. Go Beadle go, go towards destiny!

( _The carriage takes off towards wherever Judge Turpin wants to relocate Johanna._ )

Anthony: Hey wait! You can't take her!

Judge Turpin: What you gonna do about it sailor boy? COME AT ME BRO!

Anthony: On second thought instead of fighting you, I think I'll chase after that carriage screaming nonsense.

( _Anthony starts to chase after the carriage screaming any word that comes into his mind_.)

Anthony: Fruitcake! Banana people! Angel! Blue! Feather! JOHAAAAAAAAAAANA!

( _It's too late, the carriage is already gone. Judge Turpin takes one last look at a very sad Anthony and goes back inside to finish coloring his inappropriate books_.)

Anthony: She's gone. She's gone and it's all my fault. Well the only logical thing to do would is to sing my really dirty song.

( _Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play the soothing melody that sounds like Johanna but a lot sadder. Anthony digs in his pocket and throws a few coins at the conductor, Uncle Jimmy himself_.)

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh you're alright kid. Just remember kids if you ever need Uncle Jimmy's services call 1-800-UNKY-JMMY, I'll even bring balloons!

Anthony: Wow that was creepy. _I feel you Johanna, I feel you_.

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh and I'm the creepy one? I'm just trying to advertise my services, while you're trying to feel some girl up.

Anthony: _Do they think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window. I am in the dark beside you, buried sweetly in your yellow hair, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh you've got issues kid. I'm not judging you, this is 1870's London we all have issues.

Anthony: You sir have certainly sparked my curiosity, what issues could you have?

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, for starters I somehow magically appear when someone on Fleet Street wants to sing. I'm also addicted to meth and I start all of my sentences with a creepy laugh. Did I mention I have a basement full of little boys, just waiting to be-

( _Anthony quickly puts his hand over Uncle Jimmy's mouth before he can finish his sentence_.)

Anthony: I thought you learned last chapter. THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE AUDIENCE!

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, children.

Anthony: I'm going to get a restraining order from Sweeney Todd and get is applied to you. On the subject of Sweeney, I believe it's his line!

( _Sweeney is in his barbershop, he's finishing up mixing up shaving cream for the night of customers to come. Mrs. Lovett is clawing at his door and making noises like a wild cat, trying to get to Sweeney._ )

Sweeney: Not today, devil woman. I learned my lesson the hard way when you….

( _Sweeney shivers at the horrible memory of what happened in that god forsaken bedroom, with Mrs. Lovett and her magical rolling pin_.)

Sweeney: I know what would cheer me up, singing while I murder innocent people! _And are you beautiful and pale with yellow hair like her? I'd want you beautiful and pale, the way I've dreamed you were, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

First customer: Who is Johanna? Is she your _girlfriend_?

Sweeney: SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND! YOU WILL PAY DEARLY FOR YOUR WORDS!

( _Sweeney gives a high-pitched scream and cuts the guy's throat. The guy chokes on his blood and dies quickly_.)

Anthony: _JOHAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

Sweeney: Did I just hear a sailor boy sing about my daughter? Eh, it's not like he's planning to steal her or anything.

( _Sweeney presses down on the pedal on his chair; the first customer goes sliding down into the bake house_.)

Sweeney: _And if you're beautiful when then, with yellow hair like wheat. I think we shall not meet again, my little dove, my sweet JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

Second customer: Are you emotionally okay?

Sweeney: NO! MY PET GOLDFISH DIES WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD! Also my daughter is being held hostage by London's biggest pervert, my wife killed herself, I was in prison for fifteen years, and Mrs. Lovett made love to me!

Second customer: What?

Sweeney: Time to go to sleep with the wormies!

( _Sweeney gives another high-pitched yell and cuts the second customer's throat_. _The second customer flies down the chute._

Sweeney: I wonder what the budget for towel/blanket things are.

Anthony: _I'll steal you, JOHAAAAAAAAAANA!_

Sweeney: There it is again, I clearly heard a sailor boy singing about Johanna. It's probably nothing, onto the next customer!

( _While Sweeney mixes up some more shaving cream and checks the twenty locks on his door, to keep Mrs. Lovett out, some stuff is going on down below. The Beggar Woman suddenly climbs out of the pile of grapes she was under the second she smells a smelly smell that smells… Smelly._ )

Beggar Woman: I KNEW IT! They're cookin' up people! _Smoke, smoke sign of the devil, sign of the devil city on fire_! _Witch, witch, smell that sir? An evil smell, every night at the vesper's bell. Smoke that comes from the mouth of hell, city on fire! City on fire! Mischief! Mischief! Mischief!_

( _Mrs. Lovett hears the Beggar's Women's singing and glares at her_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Stop singing! No one listen to her, she's lying! Liar, liar plants for hire!

Beggar Woman: its pants on fire you idiot! I AM NOT LYING, THEY ARE COOKIN-

( _Mrs. Lovett puts her hand over the Beggar's Women's mouth to prevent her from talking_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Why does everyone keep forgetting that there ARE CHILDREN IN THIS GOSH DARN AUDIENCE!

( _The Beggar Woman says something which sounds like, "How much must we censor? If children are in the audience, then I guess they're okay. They have already seen that barber guy kill like three people_!"

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah about that… That barber guy and me are kinda in cahoots, he kills 'em I bake 'em. I can't exactly have you going around telling all of London what we do.

( _The Beggar Woman removes Mrs. Lovett's hand from her mouth and smiles evilly_.)

Beggar Woman: Mischief.

( _The Beggar Woman then slinks away to the shadows until it's her cue_.)

Sweeney: There it was again! I'm seriously going to start a sailor boy hunt after I'm done singing and killing people. _And if I never hear your voice my turtledove my dear, I still have reason to rejoice the way ahead is clear, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

Anthony: _I feel you JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

Sweeney: I am defiantly starting a sailor boy hunt; I think I'll recruit Mrs. Lovett and her magical rolling pin.

( _A third customer enters; Sweeney removes his coat_ _and helps him into the chair_.)

Sweeney: I can get at least three dollars for this coat!

Third Customer: What?

Sweeney: _And in that darkness when I'm blind with what I can't forget, it's always morning in my mind, my little lamb my pet, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

Third Customer: What?

Sweeney: _You stay Johanna_.

Anthony: _Johanna_.

Sweeney: MUST FIND SAILOR BOY!

Third Customer: What?

Sweeney: _The way I've dreamed you are, oh look Johanna a star_!

Third Customer: What?

( _Sweeney takes the Third Customer's head in his hands and cuts his throat. Third Customer's blood splatters everywhere, including on the camera. Real classy, Mr. Todd._

Anthony: _Buried sweetly in your yellow hair_.

Sweeney: Urge to kill sailor boy rising. _A shooting star_!

(Down _below, The Beggar Woman does the Cha-Cha Slide out of the shadows when it's her cue_.)

Beggar Woman: _There, there, somebody, somebody look up there! Didn't I tell you smell that air, city on fire! Quick, sir, run and tell, warn and tell of the witches spell! There it is, there it is, and the unholy smell tell it to the Beadle and the police as well. Tell 'em, tell 'em, help, fiend, city on fire! City on fire! Mischief! Mischief!_

Mrs. Lovett: What did I tell you about spreading lies about my pies?

Beggar Woman: Lies and pies rhyme, I am so proud of you for rhyming your words.

( _Mrs. Lovett screams like a banshee and chases the Beggar Woman away with her magical rolling pin of magic_.)

Sweeney: _And though I'll think of you, I guess until the day I die_.

( _Sweeney cuts the fourth customers throat before this man can question who Johanna is or what Sweeney is doing with his life_.)

Sweeney: _I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by;_ here we go again I have to scream my daughter's name. _JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

( _The fourth customer falls down the chute, Sweeney seems completely unfazed and mildly terrified because Mrs. Lovett is scratching at the door again_.)

Anthony: _JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_ Am I really walking past a drug den? Real classy London.

Sweeney: SAILOR BOY! SAILOR BOY! MUST HUNT SAILOR BOY!

( _Instead of killing the fifth customer, Sweeney is being as careful as he can to not kill him. Some say it's because Sweeney still has some good left in him, others says it's because the man brought along his wife and daughter. We all know that the reason he isn't killing this man, is that he's waiting for Mrs. Lovett to clear away the bodies_.)

Sweeney: _And you'd be beautiful and pale, and look too much like her. If only angels could prevail, we'd be the way we were, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANA!_

Fifth Customer: My good man, hurry up if you will, I have promised my family a dinner at the mat pie emporium below!

Sweeney: Must not kill this man, must not kill this man, must not kill this man.

Anthony: _I feel you Johanna._

Sweeney: I am going to take a shower in that sailor boy's blood. _Wake up Johanna, another bright red day! We learn Johanna to say, goodbye!_

( _Sweeney takes a moment to look at his reflection in his razor and reflect on his life choices, he then whirls around and kills the sixth customer ninja barber style_.)

Anthony: _I'll steeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaal yoooooouuuuuuuuuuu_.

Sweeney: THAT'S IT! I AM GOING TO KILL THAT SAILOR BOY FOR SINGING ABOUT FEELING UP MY DAUGHTER!

( _The door suddenly swings open as Mrs. Lovett sticks her head in_.)

Mrs. Lovett: HERE'S LOVETT!

Sweeney: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 **End of Chapter Eleven**

 **Chapter Twelve should be coming soon.**


	13. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Twelve

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Twelve- God That's Good**

( _The camera quickly changes from a farm full of chickens to Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies. The restaurant is packed full of people all eating and having a merry time. The street urchin, Toby is standing outside on a soapbox, waiting for the perfect moment to start his song_. _In the meantime Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra is playing wildly_.)

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh I like that little boy.

Toby: STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh the last time a little boy yelled that I had to become a fugitive.

( _Uncle Jimmy seems to disappear in thin air, his Pop up Orchestra keeps playing_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Yo Toby, are you going to sing or not? It's been fifteen minutes since your cue!

Toby: Oh wow! I'm sorry; I was in my mind trying to stop the half banana, half humans from taking over my mind!

Mrs. Lovett: Don't apologize to me; apologize to the audience for wasting their time!

Toby: I sorry. _Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please_?

Sweeney: NO!

Mrs. Lovett: Shut it, Mr. T!

Toby: _Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well, at that delicate, luscious ambrosial smell_? _Yes they are, I can tell_.

Sweeney: What is that child singing about?

Mrs. Lovett: I don't have the faintest idea; don't you have customers to shave?

Sweeney: Not right now, I'm taking a snack break.

Toby: _Well ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze is like nothing compared to its succulent source. As the gourmets among you, will tell you of course_.

Sweeney: Sweet Jesus! What in god's name have you done?

Mrs. Lovett: What do you mean?

Sweeney: You have created life! That child thing just said that the "gourmets will tell you!" YOUR MEAT PIES ARE ALIIIIIIIVE!

Mrs. Lovett: Now you're just being dramatic.

Sweeney: ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Mrs. Lovett: Toby darling, ignore him and continue singing your lovely song.

Toby: You think its lovely mum?!

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah sure, just keep singing.

Sweeney: THE MEAT PIES ARE ALIVE!

Mrs. Lovett: Now you're starting to scare customers away, either stop screaming or I'll make you stop screaming with my magical rolling pin!

Sweeney: HISSSSSSSSSSSS.

Toby: I'm scared.

Mrs. Lovett: KEEP SINGING YOUR F*CENSOR* SONG!

Toby: Now I'm even more scared, but you told me to do something so I must do it or I'll be disobeying you. _Ladies and gentlemen, you can't imagine the rapture instore, just inside of this door_!

( _Toby runs inside as if some monster is chasing after him, he pushes past people as he runs. Several people fall over and trip over each other as Toby finds Mrs. Lovett_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Good Toby! You didn't screw up like the other fifty times!

Toby: Well as my old master used to say, "Practice makes perfect but you're not perfect so go clean up my caravan.

Mrs. Lovett: That's nice dear.

( _Mrs. Lovett suddenly hears Sweeney opening his window, to yell down again to her_.)

Sweeney: Yo Lovett, I can't keep yelling down to you Lovett, a customer just arrived.

Mrs. Lovett: You shouldn't have been yelling in the first place, 17% of the customers ran away.

Toby: _There you sample Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies, savory and sweet pies as you'll see_.

( _Toby looks proudly at the customers that are all eating and making a huge mess of the tables_.)

Toby: _You who eat pies, Mrs. Lovett's meat pies conjure up the treat pies used to be_!

Sweeney: STOP YOUR INFERNAL SING SONG, SMALL CHILD!

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, that wasn't very nice! Toby's the one who's attracting all the customers

( _Sweeney slams his window shut and returns to his window, Mrs. Lovett suddenly realizes this is her line and catches Toby's attention_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Toby!

Toby: I'm coming; I just gotta break this fight apart!

( _Toby finally breaks up the drunken brawl between Jack Sparrow; I mean Captain Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka and rushes over to Mrs. Lovett_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Those people over there, right where I'm pointing my finger, no Toby not those people! Those people right there, right there, RIGHT THERE!

Toby: Oh, right there!

Mrs. Lovett: Yes right there, they need some more ale.

Toby: I can ale them!

Mrs. Lovett: You better be able to ale my customers, that's what I hired you for. Now go, quick now!

Toby: I'm going mum, I'm going!

( _Mrs. Lovett hands Toby the ale pitcher and rushes over to a red haired woman that she thinks she recognizes_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Nice to see you dearie, how have you been keeping_?

Red Haired Woman: Do I know you?

Mrs. Lovett: No one in this restaurant knows me; I just walk around serving people and singing.

Red Haired Women: Eh, do whatever you want it's your restaurant.

Mrs. Lovett: _Core me bones is weary, Toby, one for the gentleman_!

Toby: I'm still trying to ale these gentlemen!

Gentleman one: Please stop.

Gentleman Two: I am covered in ale.

Toby: I can do this! Just give me a chance!

Gentleman One: We've let you try to ale us for the last five minutes.

Mrs. Lovett: Yo Toby, get yo' ass over here! This gentleman needs some ale!

( _While Mrs. Lovett and Toby are arguing, the both of them fail to notice The Beggar Woman walking in_. _Sweeney sees The Beggar Woman, and bangs on his window. Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra is playing too loudly so no one hears him_.)

Toby: You know what guys; I'm gonna go ale this other guy then come back.

Gentleman One/ Gentleman Two: PLEASE DO NOT COME BACK!

Toby: Okay…

( _Toby walks sadly away to the third gentleman_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Hear the birdies cheeping, helps to keep it cheery_.

Red Haired Woman: I'm deaf, I can't hear no birds.

Mrs. Lovett: Then how can you hear me?

Red Haired Woman: I have no idea. Witchcraft?

( _Out of the corner of her eye, Mrs. Lovett sees The Beggar Woman_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Toby throw that annoying old woman out!

Toby: Okay, okay but she just wants something to eat!

Mrs. Lovett: Toby, that old woman want to DESTROY MY BUISNESS!

( _Toby takes a dish towel that he has around his waist and whips the old woman with it_.)

Beggar Woman: Ow! Jesus, I just wanted something to eat.

Toby: See? She's not causing any harm.

Mrs. Lovett: Fine, if she comes again I'll give her some of the scraps.

Random Gentleman: Hey lady, what's inside these yummy pie thingy's?

Sweeney: PEOPLE!

Random Gentleman: What?

Mrs. Lovett: _What's my secret, frankly dear forgive my candor. Family secret all to do with herbs, things like being careful with your coriander, that's what makes the gravy grander_!

Random Gentleman: What?

( _Sweeney suddenly appears at the balcony and glares down at the customers_.)

Mrs. Lovett: There he is, he's even more beautiful when he's full of murderous angst!

Random Gentleman: What?

Mrs. Lovett: Shut up and eat your pie!

( _The Random Gentleman continues eating as Sweeney observes the crowd, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra plays Sweeney's theme on their violins.)_

Sweeney: Who wants a shave?

( _All the men start to jump up and down, all trying to get Sweeney's attention. Word gets around fast of how good of a barber Sweeney is._ )

Sweeney: Well, who shall I choose? Certainly not Mrs. Lovett or that child thing, hey look there's a guy that looks vaguely like Judge Turpin!

( _The crazy violins from Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra stop playing Sweeney's theme and return to playing the other music_.)

Toby: _Eat them slow and feel the crust, how thin she rolled it. Eat them slow, 'cos everyone's a prize. Eat them slow, 'cos that's the lot and now we've sold it, come again tomorrow_!

Mrs. Lovett: Whaaaat? Were out of pies already?

Toby: Yip. We best kick everyone out and close the place.

Mrs. Lovett: Ehhhh, I'll think about kicking everyone out.

( _Mrs. Lovett suddenly spots Sweeney leading a Judge Turpin look alike up to his barber shop_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Hold it! Bless my eyes, fresh supplies_!

Toby: You are clearly telling me that Sweeney is somehow connected to the meat inside the meat pies. Well I best ignore you; I can't have the audience thinking I'm smart.

Mrs. Lovett: _How about it dearie? Be in here in a twinkling, just confirms my theory. Toby, God watches over us, didn't have an inkling, positively eerie_.

Sweeney: What did you just sing?

Mrs. Lovett: I don't know anymore, I'm just reading off the script.

Toby: _Is that a pie fit for a king? A wondrous sweet and most delectable thing? You see ma'am why, there is no meat pie_.

( _While Toby sings to a scared looking woman, The Beggar Woman manages to sneak in again_.)

Beggar Woman: Finally I will discover the secrets of the meat pies and tell the world of the witch's business!

Mrs. Lovett: Crap it's you again! I best get Toby to whip here again before anyone knows that they're eating people!

Random Woman: What did you just say about people?

Mrs. Lovett: NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!

Random Woman: A-are there… _People_ in these pies?!

Mrs. Lovett: NOPE! Hey, I just had a great idea! Random Woman, why don't you go visit Mr. T, I'm sure he'll be pleased to see you.

Random Woman: Who is this Mr. T, and how can he be of service to me?

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T is the one who made these pies.

( _The Random Woman quickly walks away to Sweeney's barber shop. No one hears her scream or sees her blood splatter all over the window_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Now onto more important matters, Toby throw that old woman out!

Toby: I can do that! You, old woman get the hecky outta here!

( _Toby whips the old woman with his dish towel once more, and slams the doors closed_.)

Beggar Woman: Well that wasn't very nice.

 **End of Chapter Twelve**


	14. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Thirteen

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Thirteen- By The Sea**

( _Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are sitting on a blanket in a park, Toby is behind them prancing around with a kite this is the first time he's breathed air_.)

Sweeney: Did you have to drag me out here?

Mrs. Lovett: Isn't it such a beautiful day?! The sun is actually shining, and it's warm!

Sweeney: Can I go back to my depressing shop now to brood?

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, this is the first day in fifty years that the sun is actually shining! You are going to enjoy this day, no matter what!

Sweeney: FINE. Just remember Sweeney she's helping you get rid of the bodies, she's helping you get rid of the bodies.

( _Sweeney goes into his mind and thinks of killing Judge Turpin. Sweeney shivers when the image of a very swaggy Judge Turpin pops into his head instead of Judge Turpin's death._ )

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh the barber is distracted, let's play like there ain't no tomorrow!

( _Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play a soothing melody, Mrs. Lovett smiles when she recognizes the music_.)

Sweeney: It's never good when Mrs. Lovett smiles like that.

Mrs. Lovett: You best hold onto something Mr. T, things are about to get crazy. _Ooh Mr. Todd, I'm so happy_!

( _Sweeney grimaces each time Mrs. Lovett kisses him in between her sentences. He considers pushing Mrs. Lovett away and escaping, but Mrs. Lovett has her magical rolling pin tucked into her dress_.)

Sweeney: Don't kiss me again.

Mrs. Lovett: If I kiss you, hopefully you'll fall in love with me.

Sweeney: Stop kissing me, burn the magical rolling pin, lose the "I'm dead" look and we'll talk.

Mrs. Lovett: It's only a matter of time before you love me.

Sweeney: NOPE! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!

Mrs. Lovett: _I'm so happy, I could eat you up, I really could_!

Sweeney: I'm terrified, you are not to eat me, is that clear?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh love, I'll eat you in my bedroom.

Sweeney: NO!

Mrs. Lovett: Not long now love; _you know what I'd like to do Mr. Todd_? _What I dream if business stays as good_?

Sweeney: Seriously stop kissing me.

Mrs. Lovett: NEVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sweeney: Hey! I'm the only one who gets to laugh manically!

Mrs. Lovett: Whatever, I do whatever I want! _If the business stays as good_? _Where I'd really like to go, in a year or so_?

Sweeney: Let me guess, you want to go to hell? I can help you get there.

Mrs. Lovett: That's not where I want to go you silly goose!

Sweeney: Don't ever call me that again.

Mrs. Lovett: My love for you shall never die. _In a year or so, don't you want to know_?

Sweeney: Seeing as you're not going to stop asking me, I might as well ask. Of course I want to know where you want to go.

Mrs. Lovett: Do you really want to know or are you just trying to get me to leave you alone?

Sweeney: No, I mean yes and you'll never leave me alone.

Mrs. Lovett: That is true; you're too beautiful to leave alone.

Sweeney: Just continue your song so we can finish this scene already.

( _Mrs. Lovett flashes Uncle Jimmy a thumbs up, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play a nautical tune as the camera goes us into the sky_.)

Sweeney: What? What the hecky is going on? Why can't the audience see us anymore?!

Mrs. Lovett: Shut up, were having a scene change. You should be grateful that this scene is in color.

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh I remember when I went to the beach, before I got banned for life. There were a lot of little boys; I'll just say that this one boy named Johnny had the nicest-

( _Mrs. Lovett clamps her hand over Uncle Jimmy's mouth as Sweeney kicks Uncle Jimmy in the shin_.)

Sweeney/Mrs. Lovett: THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THIS AUDIENCE!

( _Uncle Jimmy smiles and snaps his fingers; he disappears in a cloud of blue smoke to Neverland where the lost boys are_.)

Sweeney: Good riddance he's gone, remember kids if you ever need Uncle Jimmy call 1-800- UNKY- JMMY. Just don't stand to close to him or wear any clothing that can easily be removed.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh look Mr. T, were here!

( _Sweeney looks around in horror at the beach scene full of happiness and sunshine, Toby is in front of the barber and baker tossing a beach ball in the air_.)

Sweeney: WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING?!

Mrs. Lovett: I just thought you would look marvelous in stripes.

( _Sweeney looks in horror once more at the striped bathing suit that he's wearing, Mrs. Lovett doesn't look any better in a navy striped bathing suit_.)

Sweeney: I am going to sit here and sulk because I'm not wearing my sexy pinstriped pants.

Mrs. Lovett: _By the sea Mr. Todd, that's the life I covet. By the sea Mr. Todd, ooh I know you'd love it! You and me, Mr. T we could be alone, in a house that we'd almost own down by the sea_!

Sweeney: No. There are two problems with your little fantasy sequence. One I hate down by the sea because everything and everyone is happy and I'm allergic to happiness. Two I don't ever want to be alone with you, not after what happened in your bedroom.

Mrs. Lovett: You don't get a say, in what happens, this is my fantasy sequence!

Sweeney: FINE. Anything you say I guess, just remember I'm just following the script I would never love you or want to be with you.

Mrs. Lovett: But you're with me now. _Wouldn't that be smashing_?

( _Toby's beach ball suddenly hits Sweeney in the head; Sweeney falls backwards as Mrs. Lovett gives Toby a thumbs up_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Nice job Toby! Scene change!

( _Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are suddenly on a porch in two chairs, Mrs. Lovett has changed into a red and white striped dress and Sweeney is wearing some nicer clothes_. _Sweeney has a Hello- Kitty Band-Aid on his forehead and looks pissed_ )

Sweeney: I'm going to kill that street urchin.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh no you don't, there will be no killing in my fantasy sequence! _Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel, when it's just you and me and the English Channel_!

Sweeney: WRONG! First thing I will never be with you alone, and what about Toby? Unless you're planning on feeding him to the seagulls then he'll be here with us.

Mrs. Lovett: _In are cozy retreat kept all neat and tidy, we'll have chums over every Friday by the sea._

( _The scene quickly changes to a table; Sweeney is sitting silently at a table with a bunch of pirates. Mrs. Lovett walks into the dining room with some weird colored ball dish._ )

Pirate One: I 'ave an idea!

Pirate Two: Careful mate, it's in a dangerous place!

( _The first pirate who looks like Jack Sparrow takes one of the colored balls and throws is at Sweeney's face. Sweeney doesn't even blink as the pirates fall out their chairs with laughter_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh lighten up a little!

Sweeney: Okay.

( _Sweeney gives Mrs. Lovett a demented smile and leaps over the table at the pirates. Mrs. Lovett watches in horror as Sweeney and the two pirates start fiercely fighting on the floor with dreadlock pulling and roundhouse kicks to the face_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Now seems like a good time for a scene change.

Sweeney: I'M GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR THROAT AND EAT IT!

Pirate One: I'LL RIP OF YOUR ARM AND WHACK YOU WITH IT!

Sweeney: I'LL LIGHT YOUR BEARD ON FIRE!

Pirate Two: NO! NOT THE BEARD!

Mrs. Lovett: What the hecky? I SAID I NEED A SCENE CHANGE!

( _The audience blinks and Sweeney, Mrs. Lovett, and Toby are on a boardwalk. Sweeney is in a white suit and still looks pissed, Mrs. Lovett is in a red striped dress and Toby is wearing a black suit_.)

Sweeney: I hate you. I'm whiter than a teenage girl at Starbucks.

Mrs. Lovett: _Don't you love the weather? By the sea, hoo, hoo by the beautiful sea_!

Sweeney: No I do not love the weather; I'm going to need a couple of months in the darkness to regain my darkness.

( _The two of them stop at a post, Sweeney leans against the post as he glares at Mrs. Lovett. Mrs. Lovett looks happily at the sea_.)

Sweeney: Do you think anyone would see if I tossed you into the sea?

Mrs. Lovett: You can't Mr. T, in this fantasy sequence there's no touching allowed unless it's _that_ kind of touching.

Sweeney: Curses! Well I guess I'll just have to imagine your death and maybe, one day kill you.

( _Sweeney looks at the sea and smiles slightly when he imagines Mrs. Lovett falling into the ocean, drowning then being eaten by sharks_.)

Sweeney: While I'm at it, let's add Judge Turpin in my creepy fantasy.

( _Sweeney smiles even more as a swaggy Judge Turpin trips, falls into the sea, drowns, and then is eaten by a shark. The shark is then eaten by a giant octopus_.)

Mrs. Lovett: It's never good when you smile like that. _It'll be so quiet, that who'll come by it, except a seagull. Hoo, hoo we shouldn't try it though until it's legal for two-hoo!_

Sweeney: Oh no! Please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going too!

( _Sweeney blinks and he and Mrs. Lovett are at the altar. Pirate One from earlier is reading from the Bible and doing their ceremony._ )

Sweeney: What? What? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Mrs. Lovett: I know love, were finally getting married!

Sweeney: No! NO! NO MEANS NO! THIS IS THE LAST THING THAT I WANT TO DO! HELP! HELP!

Mrs. Lovett: Screaming won't help you love. _But a seaside wedding could be devised, me rumpled bedding legitimized_! Hey wanna rumple my bedding?

Sweeney: NO! NO! NO! I'M STILL NOT OVER THE FACT THAT YOU'RE MARRYING ME IN YOUR MIND!

Mrs. Lovett: _Me eyelids'll flutter; I'll turn into butter the moment I mutter I do-hoo_!

Pirate One: Ye may kiss the bride.

( _Sweeney stands completely still, he's still in shock about the whole marriage thing. Pirate One shrugs and kisses Mrs. Lovett_.)

Sweeney: Thank Jesus!

( _The scene changes and Sweeney, Mrs. Lovett and Pirate One are back on the blanket in the park. Toby is behind them running in fear away from the Headless Horseman_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Down by the sea married nice and proper, by the sea bring along your chop_ per _!_

Sweeney: You owe me for this Lovett.

Mrs. Lovett: Don't worry, Mr. T I'll repay you in my bedroom.

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, hey finish this up I have to be at Little Timmy's birthday party in twenty minutes!

Mrs. Lovett: _To the seaside hoo, hoo by the beautiful sea!_

Sweeney: FINALLY! Can I go home now?

Mrs. Lovett: Nope! I want to sit here a bit longer; it's such a nice day!

( _Without warning Pirate One kisses Mrs. Lovett again, Sweeney stares blankly ahead his mind on The Judge's death. Mrs. Lovett struggles against Pirate One's kiss as the Headless Horseman finally reaches Toby and kidnaps him_.)

 **End of Chapter Thirteen**

 **Chapter Fourteen coming soon my friends**


	15. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Fifteen

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Fifteen- Not while I'm Around**

 **VerucaBeyotch- Yay you liking this! More is coming but sadly, not for long because this is the SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER. Oh stop your sobbing it's embarrassing for all of us, while this parody is coming to a close that doesn't mean I'm stopping my fanfiction writing.**

 **Go me! I actually made it to chapter fifteen; usually my stories die out by chapter nine or eight. Enough rambling, LETS GET READY TO RUMBBBBBBBBLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!**

( _Mrs. Lovett is asleep mumbling about the crippling debt that will one day destroy her business, when Toby returns. Sweeney, a few hours earlier sent the small street urchin out to run a few errands._

Toby: She's asleep. I really don't want to bother her, but I really, really, REALLY don't want to bother that barber guy.

Mrs. Lovett: Toby…. Is that you?

Toby: Maybe.

Mrs. Lovett: If you're not Toby, GET THE HECKY-BECKY OUTTA HERE BEFORE MY MAGICAL ROLLING PIN COMES OUT TO PLAY!

Toby: Well that went south quickly; I best start our scene before that magical rolling pin makes an appearance. _Seems like the Good Lord sent you for me_.

Mrs. Lovett: It seems he did, you know I cannot stand anyone hurting small children.

( _The muffled voice of Sweeney suddenly comes down through the floorboards_.)

Sweeney: But you're perfectly fine with me killing innocent men?!

Mrs. Lovett: Did I ask for your opinion? No I did not, now this is a A, B conversation so C you later!

Sweeney: FINE. I've got better things to do, mainly eating popcorn and throwing the kernels at passing people.

Toby: Pardon my intrusion, but popcorn hasn't been invented yet.

Sweeney: SHUT UP! Don't you have some song thingy to sing?

Toby: Don't you have customers to shave? Anyways it's not my line.

Sweeney: Touché. I guess I'll just return to my scheduled popcorn kernel throwing.

Toby: Good riddance.

Mrs. Lovett: Finally we can continue! _You know love; I've felt the quite the same way_.

Sweeney: EW, LOVE.

Mrs. Lovett: You be quite up there, or I'll come up there and make you be quiet!

Toby: You really showed him mum. _Listen to me, please. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you._

Mrs. Lovett: That's really sweet and everything, but I know the second I die you'll sell my body to the black market.

Toby: How do you know that?!

Mrs. Lovett: You talk in your sleep.

Toby: Were you watching me when I was asleep?

Mrs. Lovett: Noooo….

Toby: Seems legit. _Say if there was someone around, someone bad, only you didn't know it_. Now take note of how I'm trying to be very subtle about how you are in danger as long as you stay with that barber guy.

Mrs. Lovett: Whaaaaat? Mr. T wouldn't hurt a fly!

( _There's suddenly a loud, tortured scream from the barber shop_.)

Mrs. Lovett: I guess Mr. T didn't kill that one fast enough.

Toby: What was that about Mr. T killing people?

Mrs. Lovett: Nothing love, nothing at all! _What is this? What are you talking about_?

Toby: Sweet mother of Jesus. How thick are you? I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO SAFETY BEFORE SWEENEY FRICK-FRACKING TODD KILLS YOU!

Mrs. Lovett: Like I said, Mr. T wouldn't hurt a fly!

( _The head of a random customer comes flying down from the barber shop and lands behind Toby_.)

Mrs. Lovett: I cannot let Toby see that. Oh wow! Look at that it's a WINDOW!

Toby: HOLY SNAP! I have never seen a real window before!

( _While Toby looks out the window, Mrs. Lovett stands up, kicks the head into the roaring fire and starts to fix her hair_.)

Mrs. Lovett: You can always look out the window later, it's always better in the daytime. Why don't you sing me more of your song?

Toby: OKAY! What's outside this window in the daytime?

Mrs. Lovett: Whores, crazy beggar women, prostitutes, dead people… I mean sunshine rainbow happiness!

Toby: SEEMS LEGIT. _Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around. Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir not while I'm around_.

Mrs. Lovett: Awwwww, that's so cute how you think you can stop Mr. T from hurting me!

Toby: _Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays, I'll send 'em howling I don't care, I got ways_. By ways I mean I got some muscles.

( _Toby holds up an arm and flexes' it, his "muscle" looks more like a chicken bone_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah okay, I'm gonna let you finish your little song but with those chicken bone arms you're not protecting me from anyone.

Toby: Right now I'm not protecting you; you just wait until I get that membership to the gym.

Mrs. Lovett: You've sparked my curiosity, why don't you have a membership to the gym?

Toby: That weird guy, Uncle Jimmy runs the gym.

Mrs. Lovett: I've heard of Uncle Jimmy, I've also heard that he has a very reasonable price and is willing to work all hours.

Toby: She is correct, Uncle Jimmy always leaves his customers satisfied. Remember small children if you ever need Uncle Jimmy' services call 1-800- UNKY-JMMY.

Mrs. Lovett: Now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Toby: _No one's gonna harm you, no one's gonna dare. Others can desert you, not to worry whistle, I'll be there._

Mrs. Lovett: I don't know how to whistle.

Toby: Well you better learn fast because that's the only way to summon me.

Mrs. Lovett: Couldn't I just yell for you or offer you some gin?

Toby: No gin, thank you very much. That barber guy put me in some alcohol addiction meeting.

Mrs. Lovett: Well. I guess I'll have to stock up on grape juice. Why don't you keep singing as I steal some grapes from the Beggar Woman's shopping cart?

Toby: That sounds like a good idea that in no way shape or form could possibly go wrong.

( _Mrs. Lovett runs outside and starts to steal as much grapes as she can. The Beggar Woman suddenly pops up from the grape pile, and starts screaming her head off that some witch is stealing her grapes_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh shut it. Its 3AM, no one is going to listen to you.

Random Constable That Looks Strangely Like Johnny Depp: Is someone screaming for help, because there grapes are being stolen?!

Mrs. Lovett: S*censor*!

( _Mrs. Lovett ducks into an alley with an apron full of grapes, the Beggar Woman follows still screaming her head off. The Random Constable That Strangely Looks Like Johnny Depp follows them, ringing his alarm bell_.)

Toby: That's a lot of screaming, I'm sure that mum is fine and not running away from the law. _Demons will charm you with a smile, for a while but in time nothing can harm you, not while im around_.

( _Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play a familiar melody, Toby looks back out the window just as Mrs. Lovett runs past. A few seconds later, Mrs. Lovett enters the meat pie shop and locks the door_.)

Mrs. Lovett: I almost got caught back there! Don't worry though, I got your grapes.

Toby: I'm allergic to grapes.

Mrs. Lovett: Okay.

( _Mrs. Lovett tosses the grapes into the fire without a blink of her eye, and takes a seat on the couch_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Come sit next to me, so that I may strangle you for making me risk my life for some stupid grapes.

Toby: What?

Mrs. Lovett: Never mind. So what happens next in your song? Does the beautiful baker woman get the sexy barber?

Toby: Nope! You're confusing fantasy with real life again.

Mrs. Lovett: Dang it.

Toby: _Not to worry, not to worry I may not be smart but I ain't dumb_.

Mrs. Lovett: Toby, last week I watched you for twenty minutes as you stared at the door.

Toby: But the door opens! It opens and YOU CAN GO OUTSIDE!

Mrs. Lovett: Okay. I can't wait until I show you the oven.

Toby: THAT SOUNDS EXCITING! _I can do it, put me to it, show me something I can overcome. Not to worry mum_.

Mrs. Lovett: Something to overcome? Go… Um… Go eat a plate!

Toby: I can't, I've been plate free since Pirelli.

Mrs. Lovett: You can do nothing fun.

Toby: I can sing!

Mrs. Lovett: Then sing already!

Toby: _Being close and being clever ain't like being true. I don't need to; I will never hide a thing from you like some_.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh you mean like those books you "borrowed" from Judge Turpin under your bed?

Toby: How do you know about those books?

Mrs. Lovett: The Beadle came by one day and demanded them back, then he crawled up the wall to the barber shop. Sadly, he got away.

Toby: What do you mean by he got away?

Mrs. Lovett: Subject change! _Now Toby dear, haven't we had enough of this foolish chatter? Here, how about I give you a nice, shiny new penny and you go get us dome toffees_?

Toby: No way! Something really fishy is going on…. Hey! That's Signor Pirelli's purse! I would recognize that hot pink man purse anywhere!

Mrs. Lovett: What? This isn't Pirelli's purse; this is something Mr. T got me for my birthday because he loves me so much.

Toby: OBJECTION! That only proves that Mr. T is killing people just for the heck of it! We gotta get out of here! We gotta get the police, and that constable that strangely looked like Johnny Depp, and Uncle Jimmy, and Judge Turpin!

Mrs. Lovett: Hush Toby, you aren't going anywhere or getting anybody. Do you really want Judge Turpin and Uncle Jimmy to meet and start their perverted rampage?

Toby: Good point, I guess I'll sit next to you.

( _Toby takes a seat next to Mrs. Lovett. Mrs. Lovett puts Toby in a headlock and starts to awkwardly stroke his hair_.)

Mrs. Lovett: _Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around. Nothing's gonna harm you darling not while I'm around_.

Toby: _Demons will charm you for a while, but in time nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around._

( _Uncle Jimmy excuses himself from conducting his orchestra and sits uncomfortably close to Toby. Sweeney suddenly walks into the room, covered in blood_.)

Sweeney: Who wants toffee?

Toby/Mrs. Lovett/ Uncle Jimmy: I DO!

( _The four of them happily skip out of the meat pie shop, on their way to the toffee shop they are joined by the Beggar Woman and Jack Sparrow_.)

 **The last part is coming soon.**


	16. Sweeney Todd Parody Chapter Sixteen

**Sweeney Todd Parody**

 **Chapter Sixteen- Final Scene**

 **This is it. The final chapter. I've come a long way since chapter one and I am determined to end this parody with a bang. I've had a TON of fun writing this, so much fun that I'm seriously considering making parodies of other movies that I know like the back of my hand. That pretty much covers it, Sweeney I love you but your ending makes me cry every time.**

 **VerucaBeyotch- Thank you for reviewing this parody, it's been fun answering your questions and commenting back to you.**

 **The spirits of Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett have been summoned, the stage is set. It's time to stop rambling on and start this already, I hope that all of you can survive the insanity that's to come, seeing as this is the last chapter I'm giving this parody everything I've got!**

( _It is exactly five minutes after "Not while I'm around". Mrs. Lovett is sitting peacefully next to Toby, when Toby suddenly stands up_.)

Toby: I suggest we leave, that barber guy could come down at any moment and kill us.

Mrs. Lovett: Toby, I respect you and all but Mr. T would _never_ hurt me!

Sweeney: I would totally hurt you, just like you hurt me!

Mrs. Lovett: Shut it, Mr. T, you're making Toby think were bad people!

Toby: You are bad people! You kill people and serve them to people in meat pies!

Mrs. Lovett: What was that? You want to come with me down to the bake house and help me make the meat pies that are totally not made out of people?

( _Toby instantly forgets about everything he's learned about the meat pie business. Why should he care what goes into the pies when he gets to help make the meat pies? Toby has dreamed of this day for as long as he's lived_.)

Toby: I would love to help you!

Mrs. Lovett: Cool. Follow me and I'll lead you the bake house, which I'm totally not going to lock you in so you can't go to that constable that strangely looks like Johnny Depp.

Toby: I know you would NEVER lock me in the bake house with the giant furnace, skeletons, and dead people!

Mrs. Lovett: Keep believing that Toby, it makes this a whole lot easier.

( _Mrs. Lovett throws Toby inside the bake house, slams the door and locks it. The second she locks the door a faint melody of "Not while I'm around" can be heard_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Dammit Uncle Jimmy! Now you've made me regret my actions!

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, that's my job.

Mrs. Lovett: I thought you job was to give the children your musical services, by the way if anyone ever wants to contact Uncle Jimmy is number is 1-800-UNKY-JMMY.

( _Sweeney walks into the kitchen just as Uncle Jimmy disappears to return to Neverland to the lost boys_.)

Sweeney: Did… Did he just disappear?

Mrs. Lovett: Nope! Say do you wanna check on Toby with me? I have the strongest feeling that he escaped into the sewers, and is waiting for the right moment to kill you.

Sweeney: Woman, you cray-cray but I'll go with you seeing as I have nothing else to do.

( _Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett skip merrily to the bake house; they happily open the door to discover that Toby is indeed missing_.)

Mrs. Lovett: EY YO TOBY WHERE ARE YOU?!

Sweeney: TOBYYYYY WHERE ARRRRRRRE YOOOUUUU LOVE?

Mrs. Lovett: That's my line!

Sweeney: Well it's my line now!

Mrs. Lovett: I refuse to let you steal my line!

Sweeney: Oh yeah? _Where is he_? Look at that Lovett; I just stole another one of your precious lines!

( _Mrs. Lovett gives a loud war cry and tackles Sweeney to the ground; Sweeney in return gives a high-pitched scream and tries to get Mrs. Lovett off him_.)

Mrs. Lovett: MY LINE!

Sweeney: No! NO! YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO THESE LINES!

( _Mrs. Lovett bitch slaps Sweeney and finally gets off him, she yanks out her magical rolling pin and is about to take further action when there's a knock at the door_.)

Anthony: Yo! I actually did something right and rescued Johanna from that judge guy!

Sweeney: OMG! OMG! MAH DAUGHTER IS HERE! Wait a second, WAIT! I can't just run up those stairs and be like, "yo Johanna I'm your daddy" she'll freak the hecky out! What am I to do?! WHAT AM I TO DO, MRS. LOVETT?!

Mrs. Lovett: Chill, your daughter isn't going anywhere.

Anthony: Mrs. Lovett? Sweeney Todd? Can we enter? That judge guy is just around the corner and his outfit is scaring me!

( _There's no answer for Mrs. Lovett is busy giving Sweeney a lecture on what to do with your newly returned daughter. Anthony shrugs and lets himself into the meat pie shop with Johanna_.)

Anthony: We'll be safe-ish here; I gotta go and get a carriage so we can get the hecky outta here!

Johanna: We shall never be safe.

Anthony: Johanna, no one will recognize you in my old clothes.

( _Johanna is dressed in one of the gayest outfits that any man could ever think of. She has six inch sparkly pink heels, golden bell bottom pants and a sparkly pink vest to match the shoes. She is wearing the same slot sunglasses that Judge Turpin was wearing and her hair is tucked into a Santa hat_.)

Johanna: Even if we get away, the ghosts of my past will follow me.

Anthony: No ghost will follow you, we shall run away and all of our dreams will come true!

Johanna: I've never had dreams, only nightmares.

Anthony: Wow. Okay, that doesn't sound like a mentally stable person but who cares, you're pretty! I'll see you in like half an hour!

( _Anthony runs out the door to get a carriage_ )

Johanna: Well I'm alone once more. There's only one thing to do while I'm alone, sing my song about all those bird metaphors!

( _Johanna is about to sing "Green finch and Linnet Bird" when she suddenly hears someone on the stairs leading to the barber shop_.)

Beggar Woman: ALMS, ALMS! SOMEONE GIVE ME ALMS ALREADY!

Johanna: Oh s*censor*! I don't have any alms!

( _Johanna quickly climbs into the body sized trunk, the lid slams closed just as The Beggar Woman enters the barber shop_.)

Beggar Woman: LEEDLE LEEDLE LEE!

Director: Um… That's not your line.

Beggar Woman: Oh right, sorry I just finished a SpongeBob marathon. YO BEADLE I SAW YOU, SO WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!

Director: That's not your line either, but I'll take it.

( _The Beggar Woman quickly examines the barber shop in case The Beadle is hiding behind the dresser or inside the mirror. Little does The Beggar Woman know, The Beadle has already been taken care of by everyone's favorite neighborhood barber.)_

Sweeney: Well that boy's a lost cause.

( _Sweeney suddenly spots The Beggar Woman trying to open his secret drawer_.)

Sweeney: Who are you? What are you doing here, and why are you TRYING TO OPEN MY SECRET DRAWER?!

Beggar Woman: That's not important right now, what is important is that your baker woman is totally the devil's wife and is doing bad things.

Sweeney: Everyone's welcome to their opinion, even if they're WRONG!

Beggar Woman: I'm always right. Wait a second, don't I know you mister?

Sweeney: Nope! I don't know you, so you don't know me!

Beggar Woman: Seems legit. You know if you were planning to cut my throat, you should totally do it now because that judge guy has just arrived.

Judge Turpin: EY YO MR. TODD! WHERE THE HELL IS MY HO?

Sweeney: YOU MEAN JOHANNA?

Judge Turpin: THAT WOULD BE MY HO ON THE GO!

Sweeney: How dare he treat my daughter like that! There's only one thing to do with my anger, kill innocent people!

( _Sweeney quickly cuts The Beggar Woman's throat, she stands still as her blood drips down her neck. Sweeney presses the pedal down on his chair and The Beggar Woman falls down his trapdoor to the bake house_.)

Sweeney: All's well ends well.

( _Sweeney suddenly hears his body sized chest creak open. He whirls around and sees two eyes staring at him in fear_.)

Sweeney: Hello there young one! I would kill you but the judge has just arrived and I've waited a really long time to kill him!

Judge Turpin: I'M COMING UP THESE REALLY UNSTABLE STAIRS! YOU BETTER NOT BE COVERED IN ANYTHING GROSS LIKE BLOOD!

Sweeney: Luckily for you I'm not covered in blood, not yet at least.

Johanna: I'm just going to hang out in this chest, kay?

Sweeney: That's cool with me.

( _The door suddenly swings open as Judge Turpin poses fabulously in the doorway. He's wearing his swaggy clothes he glares at Sweeney when he sees him_.)

Judge Turpin: Bitch, where's mah ho/daughter/wife?

Sweeney: Um… Um… That sailor boy didn't molest her, like you will and she's um… Downstairs with my friend. You really don't need to worry; she has learned her lesson and the error of her ways.

Judge Turpin: She has?

Johanna: No I haven't.

( _Sweeney kicks the chest to get Johanna to shut up_. _Judge Turpin stares in confusion at the barber's actions_.)

Sweeney: I have a cat in this chest that sometimes speaks.

Judge Turpin: Seems legit. How about that shave? I can't continue being the swaggiest judge in London with stubble.

Sweeney: AW YES! I mean sure, why not? Sit, sir, sit and I'll give you the closest shave EVER!

Judge Turpin: You wanna know what's nice? PRETTY WOMEN!

Sweeney: This song again? Whatever lets me get close enough to kill you. PRETTY WOMEN!

Judge Turpin: JOHANNA, JOHANNA!

Sweeney: I am going to kill you so hard for saying my daughter's name in that creepy voice of yours.

Judge Turpin: WHAT WE DO FOR WOMEN!

Sweeney: Kill. So. Hard. PRETTY WOMEN, BLOWING OUT THEIR CANDLES!

Judge Turpin: Ah yes, now were getting into this song again! PRETTY WOMEN, COMBING OUT THEIR HAIR! I've watched Johanna comb out her hair more time then should be legal.

Sweeney: Must. Kill. Must. Kill.

Judge Turpin: PRETTTTTTYYYYYYYY WOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

Sweeney: Alright, I've had enough. You know the years no doubt have changed me.

Judge Turpin: Me too! I used to be an innocent boy, who respected women and men!

Sweeney: I don't care. I guess the face of a barber, the face of a _prisoner_ on a _dock_ , isn't particularly memorable.

Judge Turpin: I don't get it.

Sweeney: I'll give you one it, my name _was_ Benjamin.

Judge Turpin: Okay, okay I'm totally guessing here. Were you Benjamin Barker that one guy who was sent to Australia and got gang raped by kangaroos?

Sweeney: That's-a me! BENJAMIN BARKER!

( _Sweeney screams and stabs Judge Turpin, over and over again. He stabs him a million times as the judge's blood covers his face and shirt. Finally he stops stabbing him and cuts his throat_.)

Sweeney: I'm glad that's over.

( _Sweeney presses the pedal on his chair for the last time and sends Judge Turpin down the chute_.)

Sweeney: Now that this is all over I think I'll open up a bakery and sell cookies. The only thing that I have to do to end my barber business is place my razor on this chair.

( _Sweeney is about to place the razor on his chair when there's suddenly a high-pitched scream, Sweeney recognizes the scream as Mrs. Lovett's_.)

Mrs. Lovett: GET OFF! GET OFF!

Sweeney: What is going on?

( _Mrs. Lovett suddenly realizes that The Beggar Woman is right in front of Sweeney, she quickly starts to drag the woman away from him_.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh nothing, nothing at all love! That judge guy was still alive and he scared me when he grabbed onto my skirts, but I took care of him by stepping on his face! You can go now love, I've got this all taken care of!

Sweeney: Nah, you've done so much for me. It would be only right to help you move this beggar woman into the furnace.

Mrs. Lovett: No, no, no. no! I've got this!

Sweeney: You're hiding something.

Mrs. Lovett: Whaaaat? Me? Hiding something? Don't be silly!

( _Sweeney silently walks over to The Beggar Woman and flips her over, he gasps in horror when he recognizes the face_.)

Sweeney: She knew me. I know her. You knew she lived.

Mrs. Lovett: What? No, no! That's totally crazy! You know I was only thinking of you!

Sweeney: YOU LIED TO ME! You knew my Lucy lived and you lied to me!

Mrs. Lovett: Well I never exactly lied to you, I only took out some minor details so you would fall in love with me.

Sweeney: I have the sudden urge to dance. DANCE WITH ME MRS. LOVETT!

Mrs. Lovett: Okay! There is no way this dance could possibly go wrong!

Sweeney: You know, even though I killed my wife and you lied to me I'm okay with it.

Mrs. Lovett: Really? We can now have the life we've always dreamed of Mr. T! We can live by the sea and have 50 children!

Sweeney: Actually… I'M NOT OKAY WITH YOU LYING TO ME, YOU WHORE!

( _In one smooth movement, Sweeney tosses Mrs. Lovett into the furnace_.)

Mrs. Lovett: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Sweeney: BURN BABY BURN!

( _A few seconds later, Mrs. Lovett stops screaming and everything goes silent. Sweeney sits by his Lucy and cradles her head in his lap_.)

Sweeney: _There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful. A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life_.

( _While singing, the sewer grate creaks open and Toby crawls out.)_

Sweeney: I know you're there Toby, but I'm going to pretend you aren't.

Toby: I am not here, I am not picking up your fallen razor, I am not creeping up behind you, I am not placing the razor against your throat.

Sweeney: _And she was beautiful, and she was virtuous, and he was_ ….

Toby: Enough singing!

( _Toby cuts Sweeney's throat before he can finish his song, Sweeney's head drops as he drips blood onto Lucy, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play the scene out as Uncle Jimmy appears next to Toby_.)

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, you'll do quite nicely.

Toby: HELP! Oh wait, they're both dead.

 **End of Sweeney Todd Parody**


End file.
